A scary update is that today I felt so low that when I looked over at my dresser and saw my bottle of pills on it, the bottle stood out from everything else as if it was a skyscraper among small houses. For a split second, my eyes seemed to focus so hard on them that it was like I had developed an optical zoom like a camera lens. For a millisecond, my pills had a voice that called

"Take us. Take us all."

I haven't really felt suicidal in a long time. For the most part, my anxieties have been okay and not overwhelming. I think it is because I messed up my birth control and now have my period earlier than I was supposed to - my hormones are probably messing with me a lot.

Even though I haven't been suicidal, I've been tempted to cut a lot more lately. When I say a lot more, I just mean in comparison to the last couple of months where the desire to do that has been very rare, if at all in my mind. Perhaps it's just this time of year, because Christmas just always makes me sad. I know that it makes my parents sad too, and that makes me even sadder than I already am this time of year.
We had a tree though, and some gifts under it. I remember last year when we didn't have any gifts because our poverty level was strong. It was tough getting asked what presents I got by so many different people and having to lie.
My mom and dad got me a sweater and some socks and underwear. I wish they hadn't, I know that that was a stretch for them and they probably had to scrimp to do it.

I just feel like there is this dark cloud over me today. I want to cry. It's the lowest I've felt in a long time.. I'm not really sure what triggered it. One moment I was fine, and the next I wasn't. Everything got to me, and even though I feel pretty awful still, I do feel much better. I kind of regret deleting Richard off of snapchat... that was so rash of me. But probably ultimately for the best, right?

Life is just so hard. It's hard. And I feel like I am fucking it up all the time and I've spent so much money irrationally because I wanted to feel good and have pretty clothes. This is so stupid of me. I can feel myself circling around in these thoughts of sorrow and self-loathe and it travels in rapid brainwaves all the way to my wrists where my veins pulsate and even though I never have cut my wrist it's still where the urge gathers like a bomb that ticks and wants to explode.

I'm one of those people that is making no real difference. If I hadn't been born, or chosen to practically not exist I don't think it would cause any riff. I'm a pretty shit friend most of the time, and I'm so selfish and absorbed in myself. I don't volunteer or do anything particularly nice in a pay-it-forward way. I'm just sort of existing. I'm grey in a world of grey. I'm not a colour. I'm a shade. I'm stuck in shade, in darkness.

I don't know right now.
I know this is just a moment of weakness. I know I'll be better tomorrow, or in a few days.

But I'm so alone right now.

Curse my whims

UUUUUUUUUUUGHHH HAD THE BIGGEST, STUPIDEST MOMENT OF WEAKNESS WHERE I TOLD RICHARD I'M DELETING HIM OFF SNAPCHAT BECAUSE IT MADE ME MISS HIM AND THEN I DELETED HIM AND NOW I REGRET EVERYTHING I'M THE WORST WHY DO I DO THIS

im going to go cry

Starting a new workout program. Hoping to lose 10-15 pounds. 

I know it sounds crazy because of how small I am, but I have a lot of chub and excess fat in places and I'm not happy about it. 

Here is my before photo:

My workout buddy told me to take it and flex in it. I realized I don't know how to do a good flex photo. So this happened. Awkward. 

Photos of late

Here are some photos from the past little while that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside 

Family(Not Mine) Christmas

Well, I had a lovely weekend. My friend invited me to her family Christmas, which I obviously couldn't object because I love her family. It was a hoot! Most of the people there are 80+ and we play cards and it's just a really good time. Around dinnertime, her aunt and uncle arrive with her two cousins. This is the routine, from what I've heard, and also experienced at Thanksgiving.

I've been wanting to write but I feel slightly unmotivated to. I just don't feel like my life has been super exciting lately. Also I think I am the worst at retelling moments. 

Life on the Outside

The strangest thing happened today. I was talking to my friend Taylor about life and whatnot, and he made a comment about being jealous of my life which was what I thought in reference to my owning cats. He really wants a cat. I told him he would get a cat one day. He proceeded to tell me that wasn't the only aspect of my life he was jealous of and interested in, but it was the fact that I had three pets, a job, time to do things I enjoyed rather than studying and being in a program I detested. This information was quite the reality shock for me. I had never stopped to think that my life would be something of desire to people, especially because I'm too friendly with the flaws in it. What really caught me off guard though was that I didn't disagree, I didn't protest that my life wasn't as great as it seemed - because truthfully, I think I have a wonderful life. It's not perfect, and I know it never will be, but I'm just really happy with how it is and where it's going. I'm constantly making mistakes and thinking "Maybe that wasn't the best" but that's normal. I think everyone has that. I actually agreed - I think I have a good enough life to be jealous of. I love the person I am, I love the people I am surrounded by, and I just appreciate life. A lot.

And that just made me even happier than I usually am. And I'm pretty happy most of the time - even if I'm grumpy or I'm stressed and even feeling sad - it's always sort of carried by happiness. If that makes sense? The happiness is always there, kind of like how the sadness was always there.

I don't know. But everything is coming up Milhouse.

Ps here is my nightly selfie because apparently I am just incredibly narcissistic right before bed.

**Also I weigh 124 pounds. I've lost about six pounds about I'm super happy about it. Although I don't think it's super noticeable... sigh. My goal truthfully is to be 115 pounds. Here's hoping.

*** Starting catcher in the rye and i've never read it which i'm embarrassed about but whatever..

It's been a weird week. Friday was probably the worst of it. Everything seemed to go wrong and the last thing to get hit with was that Hanna and Richard kissed one night recently. They both regretted it apparently and Hanna feels really bad about it. I thought I would be more upset, and I was at first but I think it was the whole day combined that made me upset.

I woke up Saturday morning and found that I didn't care. Leighanna basically told me I shouldn't talk to her anymore but why would I fault our friendship for one mistake when there's been so many other great moments?

I went to Aurora on Saturday and hung out with Hanna, Lauryn, Chris and Richard W. Richard W. was hesitant to come to the hangout because he deleted me off facebook and thought it would be weird but it was actually really nice to see him and catch up and be apart of that again.

It made me miss Richard a bit but I really am confident this is the best for both of us. Hopefully we can eventually be okay to be friends.

I spent all of today cleaning my room and now I'm exhausted and starving. I've had soup, a sandwich and crackers and I could still eat more but I am waiting for dinner.

I should have written this post sooner... I am too tired now.

1 0 0

So I have pretty much butchered my hair. I tried to ombre it last night and kind of rushed because my impatient but lovely best friend was over and let me be honest it came out to be quite shit. It's basically just a blonde with red hue (not strawberry - doesn't really look red but you know) and also lots of dead. My hair is dead. If I was having second thoughts about cutting my hair, which I was, I don't really have a choice now.

Leighanna came over last night, clearly as mentioned above, and we watched She's the Man and The Proposal. I was super tired and we stayed up quite late but it was nice to just do something relaxing like that.

This is my 100th blogpost. That's cool, I usually never stay this interested in a blog so I'm patting myself on the shoulder!

A birthday

Spent almost all the weekend with my mamgu here! She came down yesterday for her early birthday and then today again because she was having issues with her computer, so we made a day of it.

I'm going to dedicate the rest of the night to relaxing in bed and watching a chick flick on netflix while my November video uploads, hopefully. It's being really slow right now which is frustrating especially because I just want to turn my laptop off and go to sleep. I'm also worried if I watch something on netflix it will slow down the upload even more.

Finding a good digital camera is hard and overwhelming. I don't know where to begin really... I just want one that takes good quality video that has good focusing abilities. Sigh.

I'm booking an appointment to get a haircut - I'm probably going for short/medium bob. I'll insert a photo below of what I'm going for:

I had a good day and a relaxing evening until an issue from work popped up and stressed me out. It's all good now but I'm feeling anxiety from it and I'm spiralling a bit. Trying to calm down and go to sleep as I have to wake up at 4:30 for work tomorrow. 

Here is a #tbt pre-bed selfie from the other night. 

Flannel sheets and fairy lights

Changed my sheets tonight. Got rid of my cold, floral sheets and put on the flannel ones for winter. I'm so warm and snug it makes me so happy. I'm going to go to sleep in a few minutes. I have my fairy lights on so that with the coziness of the flannel im just in heaven on earth right now in relativity to comfort. 

Not sure if I've mentioned which I actuay am sure about but I'm trying to add a photo to each blog entry that I've taken that day or maybe push to the day before. 

Would also like to mention that my five year old neighbour made us sugar cookies but made on especially for me that is in the shape of a moose 

Literally the cutest kid. I have such a special place for him in my heart and I miss hanging out with him - he's in bed by the time I get home from work. Cries. 

The past few days have been draining, yesterday was really bad. It was an awful day. 

Today was better but I really just want a day of nothing. That's what I have to look forward to on Sunday though. 

Also decided that this Saturday instead of having to choose what to do because apparently the one time I get invited to something suddenly a million other things pop up. I felt overwhelmed and decided id just say no to everything which worked out in my favour because I found out my Mamgu is coming over for dinner to celebrate her birthday early. I am so okay with a relaxed evening like that, plus I'm happy I get to see her. 

Tired grammar

I've been writing in my blog right before bed when I feel really tired. I think it's showing a lot as I often miss words and don't have a steady stream of thoughts. 

I haven't been sleeping very well. I'm so tired I wish I could just take a day to sleep. I got invited to a few things this weekend but I think I need to say no and just recoop. 

I really want to start looking into digital cameras I can carry around with me that are small enough to not weigh down my bag but also produces a good video and picture quality.. I think that will be my goal for the new year. 

Bullied by the Wind

Today has been extremely windy. Going outside has basically been treacherous and scary, the wind literally pushed many times.

Nothing particularly happened today but I don't want to break my habit of writing. I was in a mostly good mood.

Actually, I do want to complain... Not complain but just rant I guess. I hate being new at a job.. and I hate being new to a job that kind of takes longer to get used to. I find that little surprises pop up when I'm alone that completely throw me off guard, or I reserve a truck that has been promised to someone by my coworkers but doesn't have a reservation on it. It makes me really afraid to do anything and actually learn/work. I feel pretty useless at times. It's not that I'm not trying it's just that I feel bad asking a million questions all the time - especially when things have already been explained to me.

Other than that though, I really am much happier in this job.

Here is a photo of Kev and I matching:

It really was a hilarious joke and Kev is funny and played along with it too. We were watching this really horrible display at the mall with horribly robotic and out-dated bears that 'sing' and we joked that it was our first date and was a great concert.

(Also, going to throw this out there - I'm sorry I rarely talk to you lately, Sierra. I'm not neglecting you - just texting is a bother at work and nothing really happens. Plus I'm just so exhausted I find I have little energy to do anything including socialize. Miss you tons though.)

Also an update on my lips: They are actually so chapped I can't smile with my teeth at all and are really swollen/scabbed. I look diseased. It's sad, this has never happened to me before. WHY NOW?? I have chapstick (Bought three in one weekend because I lost two) Kevin actually found me Bert's Bees in Target and bought it for me, and even though it helps my lips like it is coconut flavoured and I hated coconut. But it isn't awful and it is very hydrating. Plus I really appreciate the kindness, even if it was small, I have good friends.

Murrrrrrka

VHad a great weekend. Hilarious thing happened today, found a shirt and bought it to match Kevin. The look on his face was priceless when he saw me wearing it. Best $10 ever spent. 

The joke is that Kev and I are destined to marry - so we often call each other bae, future wife/husband and talk about 'our apartment'. It's funny. 

Did a lot of damage shopping. Have some regrets but mostly I don't. I think it's worth it. I needed new clothes. 

Some pictures from the weekend. Also, don't know if you can tell from that bottom photo of Shannon and I but my upper lip is literally so dry it has chapped horribly. I woke up with two scabs and it's really awkward to smile, hence the awkward smile in that photo. 

Also, the pictures from the party I went to a few weeks ago with Leighanna are final up. I look very drunk in most with a red, sweaty face and truthfully most are not flattering. 

Here is a cute one though 

Don't know what we were doing but it resulted in a cute photo, so.. Worth it?? 

I'm happy to be home. Goodnight. 

Shopping season

Well. I did a lot of shopping today. Got some gifts for people, got really cute dresses. Shoes that were $130 for $40!!!!! Happiest about those. 

I'm exhausted. I can't shop for so long. I literally feel like I never want to shop again, just want to go home and sleep. Geez. 

I wish I blogged when I wasn't half asleep. 

Evil plans

Going to the US today!!! 

I'm getting pretty excited! Two more hours of work and then ROAD TRIP! 

It's been a really fun day at work. I love my job. 

Hope everyone has a good weekend 

Murphy's law

What will go wrong, will.

Is that Murphy's Law? It's something along those lines, isn't it? Regardless, today was not exactly my luckiest day if you focus on the larger parts of it. I've been incredibly frustrated the past few hours but I'm trying really hard to focus on all the little things that happened because they were really kind of great.

Ultimately, I had to stay an hour and a half after work to finish everything up and ended up missing the bank and was unable to take out money for my trip this weekend - stressed me out quite a lot. I'm really only just getting home and I still have to pack for tomorrow... I really want to just sleep. I really only have to pack pjs and an outfit for Saturday because more than likely I will wear one of my new outfits on Sunday.. so I mean, is it really a big deal if I sleep by ten without a lot of packing done???? I don't think so..

It really wasn't as awful as a day as I am making it sound. I'm honestly just a bit grumpy which is distorting my view on the day. It was quite pleasant and I am just being a bit of a grumpus. I'm going to force my cats to cuddle with me now and then go to sleep.

Good mood vibez

I'm in a fantastic mood today. Nothing particularly special or wonderful happened, it was just filled with good vibes throughout.

I also just watched my November video about seven times consecutively and it makes me really happy. The song is perfect because of how upbeat it is, and all the clips are just filled with memories that really makes my heart sing. They have dancing, things I thought were pretty, and some really great people! Don't want to toot my own horn either, but I also am generally pleased with the editing. I think my video-making skills are really improving. Practice makes perfect? I wish I had something better than movie maker but I already tried downloading a trial of a better software and it doesn't recognize iphone files. I'll have to wait for when I get a better camera or something before investing in something like that. It also really depends on whether or not I continue the project after December is over. It's really surreal that a year has almost gone by... so much has changed in such a short period of time. Some changes weren't surprising, others were. I know I've said this before but I'm glad I did this project.

It's not looking like we'll be going to Buffalo on Friday. It's really disappointing because I was pretty excited for the trip - that being said, I would rather the citizens of Buffalo who are in the storm work on getting to safer conditions than me being able to go to the Olive Garden. If I had to choose between the two, I think my choice is pretty obvious. Stay safe, Buffalo.

Gone Camera

I went to the movies tonight and I had every intention of filming the memory but I was so impressed with the movie (/cold) that I didn't. Which is disappointing.

My friend Oliver and I went to go and see 'Gone Girl' I was kind of nervous by all the hype it had received especially because I hadn't really watched any trailers and I'm very critical of films, or so I like to think. I thoroughly enjoyed it. There was really one one part in particular I really had a massive critique on but other than that, it got me thinking into all kinds of directions about the background of the events in the film. I'd like to read the book, I'm kind of disappointed I didn't get to before the film but... oh well. My mistake!

It was kind of funny and sort of awkward because there are a lot of sex scenes, like hardcore sex scenes, in the movie and Oliver is pretty Christian. Did I feel awkward about it? Yes. Are we ever going to talk about it? No.

The previews showed a lot of promise for films being released in the next little while. Different genres of films too, which I think will be refreshing. Musical, love, action, etc.,
I'm not sure if I made up action. Truthfully I'm just talking about Into the Woods and The Theory of Everything... The Theory of Everything has Felicity Jones in it, and considering how much I love her and Like Crazy, I am presuming my love for her in this as well.

Had a good day overall, nothing to complain about. T-minus two days until I am States-bound! I'm looking forward to it. I have my passport all ready and my fat pants for Olive Garden. Shannon has been getting my really pumped for the Olive Garden, we look at the menu daily. I'm going to get dessert even if I'm full beyond capacity because they have tiramisu! TIRAMISU. I love tiramisu. I think if I had to choose between chocolate cheesecake, and tiramisu I couldn't do it. I would rather eat a rock than choose between my loves like that.

It was a really big struggle not to overuse the words 'looking forward' and 'excited' in this blogpost. I think I am sincerely running off adrenalin from how much I enjoyed Gone Girl because I'm just feeling overly optimistic and excited (let's count the amount of times I've gone to say excited, seriously, I had to give in though. My vocabulary sucks.)

I know I say this many times and I'm probably starting to sound annoying - but I don't care this is my blog I do what I want - but I am really happy. I'm not happy in an unrealistic, denial kind of way because I still get stressed, and sad, and mad, and grumpy. But I'm just happy - I don't look at my life with this negative tone anymore.

Everything suddenly just seems more likely.

I'm applying to college soon. Probably this week or next. Yay.

Likely. Everything is more likely.

Everything will.

How to: Canada

I'm currently playing the sims so I am writing this on my phone, I was going to write a detailed post about my day because it was pretty eventful albeit not very interesting for people outside my mind. 

I'm very tired and so the detailed post probably wouldn't have happened regardless of what device I wrote it on. 

I got a Lang Leav book though. It's an anthology of poems and they're magically beautiful. I've read excerpts of some on tumblr and I've read a few pages and I'm madly in love already. 

Also there is me. How to: Canada with Cece. 

And below is a photo of me trying on clothes in the mall while waiting for the bus 

I didn't buy anything because I am going shopping in the States this weekend and wanted to save money. I rock. 

Change in season

Excuse me because I'm about to sound like a scrooge, or a negative nancy, or whatever affiliated term goes with not enjoying holidays and festivities like Halloween and Christmas, etc.,

[Could also be called depression, but I'm not going to be that girl who pegs everything on her mental illness - but if I peg it on my naive youth does that make me the girl who pegs everything on her youth and doesn't take blame for mistakes/regrets/etc? You know what I mean? Is this a tangent that can even be followed outside my mind?]

In previous years of my life, I never really liked Halloween or Christmas. In fact, I can go far enough to say that I really hated them. I think it's because like most things in my life, I hyped them up and had so many high expectations that were unrealistic, or maybe just not meant to be and as soon as they weren't met I was miserable. I always enjoyed the idea of the two, but never put enough effort in to really get the results that I wanted. Like Halloween, never really put the time or effort into making a costume. Christmas, I always associated it with gifts and luxuries I just truthfully am unable to get. I almost always had this compare and contrast mentality that was really unhealthy. Of course, I still get jealous and I still look at my life and wish it was something else, but it's the little steps, baby! I'm really working on myself.

Already, I see an improvement that I'm proud of. This Halloween, I thought long and hard about what to be and I actually put a substantial effort into my costume and I was really happy with the results. Because of that, I didn't catch myself at the parties wishing I had as good a costume as the giant Ipod, or the really obscure couples costume.  *** To not be so materialistic, I also had a good time because of the people I was with. Aesthetic pleasure can only go so far.

I even find myself getting excited for Christmas, it snowed today and I caught myself EXCITEDLY looking out the window and singing "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!" Even if it rarely is a white Christmas, it's still the concept. But I'm excited for the decorations, I'm loving the Christmas cups at Starbucks and Second cup - actually particularly love the second cup ones. They're so cute.
Also, while we're on the subject of chain cafes, I've come to discover a love for
1.) Green tea lattes served by Williams. (Introduced by the lovely, Sierra)
2.) Marble loaf cake served by Second Cup (Not as good as Nana's, but probably the closest I'll get)
3.) White peppermint something or another (Kindly recommended by a barista helping me with my indecisiveness)

And lastly, the white hot chocolate from Tim Horton's (Which still isn't available yet - is it not coming back or like what because I'm getting antsy about it)

So that random list are just my winter loves from assorted drink places... irrelevant and probably not super important but also kind of crucial because hello, food.

I'm appreciating the change I am seeing in myself, both lifestyle (Working out, next step: Eating healthier) and mental (Being more positive, loving life, etc.,) and stay tuned for the next part of my journey: Using less brackets.

Also, getting hooked on author Lang Leav and all her beautiful quotes. DANG. Buying her books tomorrow, thank you tumblr for introducing me to her.

Speaking of tumblr, and change, let's talk about the whole inspiration behind this post. I was thinking about change when I stumbled across a picture on my dashboard that I didn't particularly like in the moment, but had noticed I liked it. It must have been from a different time, and that got me thinking about how weird it is that tumblr is really this huge time capsule of who you are as an individual if you really use it a lot, or have used it for a long time. I think I really started using tumblr in first year of university and I can honestly remember what my blog looked like and how much it has changed and how much my likes and what draws me to like/reblog something has evolved. It's neat.

Anyway, I'm getting to that realm of tiredness where my thoughts thought of as a structured sentence and as I type the thoughts slowly start to drain and become jumbled up and sort of inevitably look something like

The brown cat likes to chase micejrfand thejlfs fjkdsfnrwn dofg kdsfj;s;f i want tacos.

So I think it's time to call it a night. Been a really nice weekend. Excited to go to the States next week. Going to the Olive Garden for the first time and I'm excited!!!!!!!!!!

Recovery

Ah last night was so much fun!!

When I got to Mac I went out for dinner with Lauryn and Rex and that was all giggles. I love those two dearly, and it was nice to be with both of them. I had a really lovely glass of wine with a buffalo chicken wrap and fries - I'm classy like that.

Afterwards, Rex and I walked together since we were both going the same direction and we stopped at shoppers. It was like old times. As much as I miss being in the student bubble and being with my friends, it becomes more and more clear each time I visit that leaving was the right decision for me. I really need to explore my life a bit more before settling down on a permanent academic decision in order for me to do well. I think trying out the interior decorating path is a good idea, and I'm excited to apply for it.

The Harry Potter marathon went well. We watched it with some of Darcy's roommates which was a super enjoyable time because his roommates and their girlfriends are funny. When I say girlfriends, I mean one, because I don't know the other one well and I didn't get good vibes from her yesterday. It was kind of awkward though because Andrew literally hovered the entire time, like even when everyone else had gone to bed it was just Darcy, Andrew and I. This is unfortunate because Darcy is one of those guy friends that you can totally cuddle with and it not be weird, BUT IT WAS WEIRD BECAUSE ANDREW WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME AND I FELT LIKE IF I SAT BESIDE DARCY IT WOULD BE WEIRD. I can't explain it, but it felt like Andrew was babysitting to make sure Darcy and I don't get together..

I wandered around campus for a bit and saw my friends Natalie and Sheyan.

Now I am home and all I want to do is cuddle and sleep and drink wine and tea and eat cookies and do all the things and not have a headache... but I have a headache. And I have a feeling wine and tea don't mix so I'm just going to have cookies and tea.

2:30am

Harry Potter is a go. Watched two movies. Stomach is going crazy. Super tired. 

No regrets. 

Comedic prodigy downfall.

You know how there are things you can really only share with certain people? I mean, as close as you are with others there are things that are limited to an exclusive amount of people???? Something horrible and yet extremely hilarious just happened to me and it's just one of those TMI situations I can only really share with Caroline and Leighanna, and I don't want to just write it in the inbox and wait for a response I really want at least one of them to live in the moment with me BUT NOBODY IS REPLYING BECAUSE EVERYONE IS BUSY HAHAHA MY LIFE.

Work was good today. I closed all by myself! Only had a few stressful moments but otherwise it was okay. I bonded with my co-workers from other branches today which was pretty ssiiiiccckk. One of them went to Mac and just graduated and I'm not gonna lie - creeped him on facebook and he looks strangely familiar. He's a pretty generic white guy though so, I mean... that could be it. I feel like whenever someone tells me they're from Mac and I don't really know them I automatically just think they look familiar and swear I've met/seen them before. I think this is another case of that.

Been really on that gym life lately and had a pretty intense leg workout today (As intense as a forty minute workout will get you/only did cardio/don't want to overdo myself/it's only been a week you know)

I am having a Harry Potter marathon tomorrow with Darcy, which I'm excited about. First though I am going out for dinner with Lauryn and Rex and so I invited him and he said "Well, I'm on a healthy eating kick lately so I'll probably pass." I then text him and say "Okay... what should I bring for snacks then for the marathon?" And suddenly "Oh, well... I guess it can be cheat day."
He's weak, but I love him for it.
Plus how can you not snack while having a Harry Potter marathon?

Really quickly, let's talk really quickly about how I tweeted twice this morning and can never tweet again because I've most likely hit my comedic peak and nothing will live up to the standards of my hilarity from this morning.

Tweet 1: "Just made eye contact with cute boy on bus. Officially married in some tribes of Africa."

Tweet 2: "Cute boy left bus. Divorced."

Like, dangit. I'm only 21.

Season + 4 episodes later

Oh my God, I may have binged an entire season plus four episodes. I'm so worried about our internet... but also I have no regrets because the SHOW IS SO GOOD.

It's always bittersweet catching up to a television series, because you're like 'Yes. Now nothing will be spoiled and I can discuss it with friends.' but then the agonizing week long wait. AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SEASON END COMES? It's torture...

I had two pretty bad experiences at work today. First being that Dan took me out to give me some more lessons on driving standard, and gonna be real I did kill it with the tractors. They're not bad because they're so small and they are just really easy to navigate. The bad part was the 26' straight truck... I was in third gear and I think my foot flinched or maybe I just let go too quickly because suddenly my foot was off the clutch and we were going really fast and I was pretty sure I was going to hit another truck. Dan leaps out of the seat, takes the wheel and pulls on the emergency brake while I am pushing down the clutch and air brake. Dan's actually a really good instructor though, and he told me if he can teach his wife to drive standard he can teach anyone.

The second bad experience happened shortly after, I went to go move a truck and I was backing it up and suddenly another drive honked at me. So I stopped, and started panicking because I was a bit worked up. So then one of the techs came over and was like "I'll help you, move to the passenger side." And I just sat there because - hello anxiety - and Marty was like "Okay, yep, we're gonna move over to the passenger side!" And I just exited the truck, handed him the keys and was like "Thanks Marty" And walked inside and cried.

Truthfully, the experiences weren't awful and they're helpful to learn from. I've only been driving the trucks for a few days and I've been doing a reasonably good job. I'm proud of myself for what I've been able to accomplish. You live and you learn!

Tomorrow is Jeff day! It's a day my friends from school celebrate in honour of our friend Jeff. It's mostly for fun and started off as a joke in first year. This year, since I'm not there to celebrate, I've made him a video that I think is hilarious. I'm pretty excited and it's days like these that really make me appreciative of the friends I was able to make in my not-so-terrible university experience. The tradition involves baked goods, changed profile pictures and just a lot of laughs. I don't expect this year to be any less.

I've been working on a new story I've had in my mind for a while. I'm not getting the flow of it just how I want it to be but I'm glad I'm getting something out. I wrote the first little part on a piece of paper at work and then lost it, but I'm not too worried because I didn't love it and it gives me opportunity to re-write something I like more. It's another young-adult/teen fiction kind of story, I wish I could write more intense and intellectual stuff but I guess its just my fate as a writer-wannabe.

I think I'm going to set an alarm fifteen minutes before Jeff day but I think I'm going to take a power nap. I'm so sleepy!

Also note to self: Remove tea mugs from room in morning so you don't become a mug hoarder/have no mugs to use for tea.

Creaking bones

I sincerely feel like I have the bones of a ninety year old. Everything hurts!! Bouldering on Saturday, gym on Sunday, gym today... I hate myself and I love myself. Seriously though, it feels nice to be active. I've actually lost some weight and I'd like to continue doing so just because I gained a bit of extra weight this past year that I would really like to take off again. Also, just get in better shape. That's kind of my priority. Hopefully eat more healthy as well (Says the girl who had pizza for lunch nom nom nom)

Today I did something super brave that I'm so incredibly proud of myself - ACTUALLY, TWO THINGS I AM PROUD OF MYSELF FOR DOING - First, being that I didn't almost kill Shanny and I well driving standard. Praise God.

Second, I called a boy and told him that I enjoy his company but I'm just not ready for anything to do with romance, or relationships, or dates, etc., He told me that whenever I'm feeling better I should give him a call. What a nice boy.

I wish I wasn't so tired, I really want to do some writing but I think my mind is shut off for the night. It looks like if I go to the gym in the evenings now that I end work at six I really won't be doing much of anything else. At least I will sleep well tonight.

The 100 series on Netflix is really good. I am really enjoying it and just want to binge watch it but I'm so afraid of using up our internet. Weh. I need to continue watching Supernatural too, but I feel like I want to save that for a gloomy weekend and also I don't think I want to watch it before bed because I'm already reasonably scared of the dark, so... awks.

Richard deleted me off steam tonight.

I know it's probably because I have shitty internet and it probably signs me in and out continuously and makes me look either like I'm doing it on purpose or it's probably just annoying to see. But it still sucked... I told him the other day he could delete me so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

All I want to do is to leave him a message telling him that I hope we can be friends and that I'm so okay with everything but I also don't want to be that ex-girlfriend who messages him all the time. You know? I just want him in my life, I would be so okay with just being friends. But a more rational part of my mind knows that that can't happen yet. We need time to heal. But I just want to talk to him, I miss him. I just hate being strangers.

Athleticism

I was so productive today!! Which doesn't sound like too big of a deal but Pan was being particularly cuddley today. I mean, he usually is but today he just kept wanting to be held. It was so darn cute. 

I mean... How can you leave that?? How can you honestly do anything except cuddle your cat when he's doing cute and loving things like standing up on your leg to tell you he wants to be picked up. Jeez. 

I went to the gym, bought some groceries, came home and started cleaning my room. In relative terms to how messy it was before, my room is now basically as clean as a hospital room in comparison. Which is sad because my room is still not that clean... hahahaha woops.

After the gym, I went to Second Cup to get a latte and maybe a slice of marble loaf... guilty. But I ran into my friend Ryan and sat down with him and basically just had a really philosophical conversation with him for like an hour and a half. It was really fun and it was nice to have an intellectual conversation like that. 

It's really sad that the weekend is over already, last week seemed really long. I'm glad I just relaxed for most of today and yesterday though. Something I forgot to do today though was change my sheets - it's flannel sheets season and I'm so excited to sleep on a cloud again.

I'm exhausted. I don't even think I'm awake enough to be writing, but I wanted to before bed. I just had an urge to get some thoughts out.

Okay though! Going to go to sleep. 

Good vibez

I'm watching the 100 on netflix.

I'm so happy in general.

slumbie

I feel exhausted, I have all day. I have a bit of a cold so I'm thinking it's either that, or because of a long week of work. It's okay though, I'm going to have a nice night of sleep.

Last night was really nice, I got to hang out with my friend Hanna. She's one of those friends that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside because of how lovely she is. I feel guilty because I was super tired, but today I watched her compete in a rock climbing thing. She's so cool, and I love that she goes and does something and gives it her all. She's a great friend.

I'm excited for next week too!! I'm going to visit my best male friend and we're going to have a Harry Potter marathon. Uggggggh life is so good.

Sleepy eyes and dark green

It's quite nippy out right now. 

I ran into two people I haven't seen in a really, really long time. It was a nice start to my morning. 

Last night I painted my nails a really dark green, and I'm really happy about it. I think green has become my favourite colour. My new scarf is a colour I have become obsessed with and all I have wanted for weeks is a dark green colour on my nails. So I think it's safe to say it's my favourite colour, which seems insignificant to share but I am an incredibly indecisive person and I've never been able to put my finger on a favourite colour before. This is a thing, people. Progress. Am I growing up?? 

I was so tired last night I don't think I put enough though into my blogpost. I forgot to write about something really nice that happened yesterday. I got a call from a customer who didn't know I had left my department and all they did was say nice things about me and how they're sad I won't be in that department, but at least they have someone they trust in the new one I'm in. So that gave me all kinds of warm and fuzzy feelings. 

If traffic is kind to me tonight, I will be visiting my friend Hanna for the night. This is really exciting, I've missed her. I bought her a book I think she'll really like! I'm excited for her to read it and tell me what she thinks.  

Video project

I am really so happy I decided to do my video project. So much has changed and they're not just reminders that life does change so quickly, they're good ways to remember how lucky I am and how thankful I should be. I just watched my September video and had the biggest smile on my face remembering all the clips in it. I'm going to give myself a high five for this good idea. And also a gold star for sticking to it. 

I really think I'm going to continue the project past December. I mean, why not??

Today I have had pretty bad anxiety 

And I texted Richard. Which I'll probably regret. 

But we were like awkward strangers. 

I hate this so much. I miss him so much. I love him so much still. I hate this so much still. 

November 5th.

H A P P Y

             B I R TH D A Y 

                                    S I E  R   R  A

I know you had to work tonight and that is super lame, but I think as long as you make the next year really awesome and filled with the amount of greatness this past year was filled with, I think it will be worth it. You've accomplished a lot, and you're really an awesome person. I think every day is worth celebrating when it comes to your existence. Can't wait to see what the next year will bring you, and I hope to be there every step to witness it.

I miss you. I still love you. I'm wishing desperately you make some kind of contact later. The brief ten seconds we talked earlier was nice. 

Weird Tired Good Great Gosh I hate naming these entries!!!!!

Today was a weirdly good day.

As it was my second day of the new job, I was a bit more familiar. I think now it's really just going to be about repeat, repeat, repeat until I know 100% what I'm doing. I'm already a million times happier than I was working. So, that's nice. Seriously, the atmosphere is just so much better. The only thing that kind of made today not so great was the rain and cold. It's okay though! It happens, and at least there isn't snow yet, right?!

Also I am learning to do some driving tomorrow... that's exciting/nervous and will be a lot easier in general when I can finally move the trucks.

A really wonderful part of my day was that I got to see SIERRA! She was dropping her friend off at the airport and she came and visited me. We grabbed some Tim Horton's and just sat and chatted for an hour. I love her very much, I'm so thankful she is my friend.

Big news for her which I'm so proud of her for is that she got a job she recently interviewed for! I'm not too surprised because from the way she described it, she rocked the interview. Tomorrow is also her birthday, and that's great. I hope it's wonderful. Ahh I'm just so happy for her!!

I'm so tired though!! The day feels so long and it's kind of sad that I lose a lot of my evening. I don't know what to do right now because I keep thinking I have to go to bed at 8pm since I wake up at 4:30, but I don't anymore! I've been waking up at like 6:30, so I can go to bed a lot later. So in a way, I don't lose my evening it just feels like it. It's just going to take some adjusting, like everything does.

Sierra and I discussed Richard today. I told her how I've been missing him lately and how I feel bad about that. She said it's normal, she said not to worry. She said I'm allowed to miss him. And I am, I really loved Richard. I still probably love Richard, even though a lot of days my anger buries the feelings and replaces the warmth of love to the cool bitterness. A part of me is still hopeful he loves me and will fight for us. But I know he won't because that requires more effort than he's willing to give. I think I deserve more than that.
I'm angry and sad about the whole situation... and I feel like I think and talk about it too much. But Richard was a huge part of my life, so I think it's only natural the break up and heartbreak is also.

1:38am

I'm wide awake and can't sleep, I'm sad and feel lonely. 

This is not very fun. 

Me?

I wish I knew if Richard still thought about me, or missed waking up to good morning snapchats. If every time his phone rang, he secretly hoped it was me. 

Because that's how I feel. And I know realistically I shouldn't, but I do. I think I do still love him and wish he would come to his senses. 

And this makes me feel awful. 

Halloween weekend

I am starting a very sad adventure home from a really great weekend. 

My bus is a double decker though. So I'm pretty happy about that. 

I came up to visit Sierra this weekend, who is sincerely one of my favourite people. Of all life's mysterious ways of working, I am thankful for how it brought us together. I am eternally grateful for this friendship. 

The weekend was filled with cuddling and relaxing, chocolate eating and Halloween partying. 

Although hanging out with Stuart was surreal, and a bit painful when I could hear him playing online with Richard, it was something that needed to happen so I can get used to that portion of it. 

Sierra's friends were really nice. The party was very full of people though and unfortunately dancing was not really a thing that happened. However, an impromptu dance party broke out while I took a video for November which was really fun. It will be a great clip for when I play music over top of it but when you watch it individually it is hilarious because there is absolutely no music and everyone is just dancing wildly. 

It was a successful weekend and I am excited for my next visit. 

Big thank you to Sierra and Stuart for housing me. 

Also this weekend taught me that heated blankets are a magical invention and I need one. Need. 

N e e d. 

Party anxiety

I just really miss Richard right now. It's hard not to when I'm surrounded by guys who don't get my humour. When guys who are interested in me just don't have the conversation abilities that he did. 

I wish things hadn't gone so horribly. 

I know I have to be patient but I'm excited for the day I meet someone again that I mesh well with. 

I'm at a party right now and I feel awkward and I can't get into the flow of it. I'll probably leave when Stuart does which makes me feel guilty because I came to be with Sierra for the weekend but, I just can't do a party tonight. 

So I am a little sad. 

It's okay though. It's for the best. 

Hm

I don't feel so
                       G
              R
                 E
                          A
                                                        T

                                                                     Right now.

My dosage goes up from 15 to 20 tomorrow. I currently feel lonely and I have no motivation to go to work. I feel like I need a break but how do you get that? I can't just take the rest of the week off... I need to leave on good terms with the shop because Rentals 'works' closely with them. We are a 'team.' 

I want to be in a hammock that is swaying slightly early in the morning. The sun's rays leaking into the room, making dust particles dance in the rays that try to break the shaded areas. White pine wood from wall to wall, and light cream walls kept warm with pressured flowers between glass frames. 

I don't know. Right now in this very moment I feel like I'm having a hypnic jerk episode. That feeling you get when you're asleep and dreaming, and in your dream you're falling and you suddenly jolt awake as if your body was really falling off your bed, or into whatever was in the dream. I've had all sorts of those, some more unpleasant that the rest. I've had instances where I though I was really falling off the bed. Sometimes I dream I've missed a step, and it's so real. And  wake up in the middle of my bed, no risk. Safe.

It's hard being alone here. I fill my weekends up with plans but come Sunday, I know my glimpse of escapism is ending and reality is waiting to greet me when I get off the final bus. I miss having friends around the corner or in the next room. 

I'm not even sure this is about loneliness. I don't know what these feelings consuming me are about. Is being alone really what's troubling me? Not having people to hang out? I'm tired, I don't even feel like being with people most of the time when I get home from work. And if I do go out during the week, I almost always regret not getting as much sleep as I could have. But you need those social interactions sometimes to replenish you. I don't even know what I'm saying right now. I think I may be slightly incoherent in this moment. I think my brain is thinking different things and trying to get them all out all at once.

I want to cry but I can't. I feel right on the verge of my tear ducts opening up and becoming the hoover dam. Yet, I know I'm not going to cry. I don't think I have anything to cry about...

 I guess in every depression journey, there needs to be one or two incoherent blog posts, right? 

Fuck you and the horrible things you say while intoxicated. 

Fuck you for not being more responsible. 

Fuck you for tonight, and all the other nights. 

And fuck you for leavi Rigby alone, for leaving food out that caused him to vomit all over my room just now. 

Fuck you so very much. 

Fall Adventures

I came up to visit my best friend, Care, for the weekend. We went to a local farm that does a lot of fun, Autumn events like pumpkin patches, apple picking, haunted barns, corn mazes, hay rides, etc.,
Our intention was to explore the corn maze, find some pumpkins, and have a lovely day.

Mission success.

The weather was absolutely perfect for it. It was sunny and warm with a lovely breeze for when you got a bit too warm due to over-layering.

I don't know what else to say other than that I am so thankful for how happy I have been these past two months. Although there are times I get sad about the whole being single situation, I think I needed it. I needed to have my weekends and to not worry about seeing my significant other. These past two months I have been free, been able to heal myself and not worrying about making someone else happy. I've been able to see more of my friends and dedicate more time. I've gained a lot of confidence again which is awesome. Even though I'm scared to death for what is to come in the future, I'm beginning to think it will all be fine.

Here are some pictures from the yesterday:

Selfie game

In bed but can't sleep. My eyes feel tired but my mind is awake. Everyone has a tv on really loud because my dad and brother have hearing issues. 

Yesterday I bought a coat that I'm absolutely in love with 

It looks a bit oversized which I love about it. I was worried about sizing though because I got a large and apparently it doesn't come in XL because that is considered plus size which is just ridiculous to me. But still. The coat and I are in love. 

I've been texting that guy from the party I went to. He's really nice and an absolute sweetheart but I don't find him funny, maybe he's funnier in person, and I've been absolutely hilarious 

I am the green. Maybe it was an insensitive joke??? But hilarious. I laughed really hard at myself. I was on a role, I made a really funny joke to my neighbour right after this. 

That is him being super sweet. But still. I'm not sure... Conversation flow is not great and he's just laying on the sweetness a bit too much. I would like some witty banter and mean sarcasm. Sigh. I don't know.

Also me in my new scarf. Happy. Can't wait for it to not be a million degrees outside and I don't sweat in it. 

Also, bittersweet but I realized once I start my new job I won't be starting work at seven anymore and I won't get to see my morning bus friends which is really sad. And bus mama!! But I haven't seen her all week, so I think they're getting ready to switch her route. I don't know! But anyway, bittersweet. 

I also won't get to call my favourite vendor anymore. I called today to chat and tell them I only have a week left. 

One of the girls has a nine year old daughter whom is getting bullied so I gave tara my phone number and were gonna set up a coffee date and see if I can help her daughter at all. Just to be there and be an older figure that isn't her mom, give her a friend. Have someone who was bullied and grew up strong and confident. I had a lot of support from great people in my rough times and I want to do the same. Plus the girl is like 72 pounds, in therapy and isn't getting help from teachers (her principal told Tara she might be making it up for attention. Um WHAT) anyway. Hopefully I can make a bit of a difference. And if I can't for Riley, at least Tara sees people caring about her daughter and stuff. It's been tough on her seeing her baby in so much pain. 

Kids suck. 

Small tid'

Sort of story but mostly a reflective anecdote with a few tweaks. 

When I walked away from you my ears felt hot as the blood rushed to it, everything in the world was muted except for a slowing heartbeat that once belonged to a love that fed it flowing blood and strong vitals. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, fumbling for something in my bag seemed to be the only thing I remembered how to do. My brain took charge and sent signals to my legs, making them move one in front of the other. They listened well, they supported me. It was slow and steady, but they got me turned around and away from you. When I had the capacity to tell my brain something, it was to look back. Look back, I told my brain. It was as if looking back would suddenly change everything, it would alter the moment that erupted in the catwalk and all would be well. My head turned first and my body followed, my hands stopped fumbling and my heart stopped screaming. You were there, you had come back. You stood there with your long limbs looking like I felt. Defeated, exhausted. Alone. My brain sent the message to my legs again, and the two did their thing. They got me from A to B and suddenly I was at C, which was you. My lip quivered as my eyes threatened salt, and I inhaled ever so slightly ever so much ever so only as much as I could do. I don’t know how to say goodbye, you whispered to me. My veins surged and sent signals to my brain telling it to transmit a message from my mouth to scream up to the sky to you to everyone around GOODBYE ONLY COUNTS FOR GOODBYE but I couldn’t because you were gone already. But instead my brain doth protested and me too the words to follow. My brain knew the answer before my heart. I wasn’t saying goodbye to you, you were saying goodbye to me.

Witty Quality

Sigh. Been bummed this week,

This is going to sound awful, but I've had a few guys since Richard and I brokeup pursue me. It's all very flattering and definitely nothing to be complaining about, in fact it really is a huge confidence boost to see the attention I've been getting. However, I really do wish one of them was up to par with the standards I have. You know, someone who is witty and makes conversation I enjoy. Someone who is funny and sarcastic and and intelligent. Someone I click with and think "Yes. You're great."

Someone who doesn't make me think "You're not Richard, though."

Training and tears

Today wasn't the best day for me. I ended up having a pretty severe anxiety attack because of the overwhelming amount of pressure I feel I am receiving from everyone at work. They are putting an immense responsibility solely on my shoulders and it is really stressing me out. Because I am a temp, I am easily disposable and easily replaceable. I feel if I don't improve our numbers, that is what is going to happen. I'm continuing to get bullied my the afternoon supervisor, and now my daytime supervisor is making passive-aggressive comments about me behind my back. I broke down and cried today it was all too much. 

I am thankful though because regardless of the problems I faced, I didn't let them consume me entirely. Other than the anxiety attack, I didn't continue to let it drag in the other bad parts of my life and I didn't let it crush me like a boulder. I was able to calm down, smile and laugh, and enjoy a relaxing evening.

The guy from the party has been texting me, I don't love the conversation. It isn't super stimulating and he's not witty. Disappointing, but another sign to not settle and not to dive into anything romantic so soon.

I planned to call Ryan tonight and tell him I'm not in a place to pursue a relationship but I chickened out. I will try to do it tomorrow. Fingers crossed for me!

Looking extremely forward to the weekend, I'm going up to see Care and we are going to a pumpkin patch with her roommates. I'm not sure the last time I've been to one, if ever I've been to one. (I'm sure I've been to one, right?!) And I think we are going to do some pumpkin carving!! So exciting. I wish I had done more autumn things, like a corn maze or something. Maybe next year?

Also, started my October video. I already really like it, I've been trying to take more scenic and aesthetically pleasing shots to mix with the more social clips and I'm quite happy with that decision. I also am using a Purity Ring song that I'm obsessed with right now. I'm excited for the finished result of October's video, and it's surreal that I don't have that long to wait to be able to make it. 

I'm quite tired, so I am going to hopefully be asleep in ten minutes. I'm going to make the best of tomorrow and walk into the office with my chin held high and my heart open to the small things that make up a day filled with a large amount of happiness. 

Goodnight!

Movie Passes and Bitter Reminders

When your best friend has free movie coupons that expire on the 31st, there is only one thing to do with them: See a Nicholas Sparks movie. Leigh and I saw 'The Best of Me' tonight. Normally, I don't love Nicholas Sparks movies. I think the translations come off way too cheesy, poorly acted and very over-dramatic. Even though this one was sort of the same as the others, it was really nice. It had a theme like most of his recent movies, the 'I never fell out of love with you' one. It was romantic and sweet, and I didn't see the ending coming which is surprising for myself and a Nicholas Sparks movie. But alas, earwax.

Lately I haven't been really sad about Richard. I haven't been missing him and I seemed to have come to terms with the situation, but this movie kind of brought up some obviously suppressed feelings. I miss him and my heart is aching.

In terms of dating, I feel overwhelmed which I think is a good sign to not do it. I feel pressured by Dan to go on more dates with Ryan, and today Dan overheard me telling Erin and Shannon about a guy I had met at a party who is showing a lot of interest in me and he started making these comments about how I should give Ryan a chance, and how he'll treat me like a queen and etc etc. Next thing I know, I'm leaving the theatre and my phone alerts me that I have a voicemail - and it's from Ryan.

I feel bad not wanting to really give Ryan a chance because I know he's a giant sweetheart and a really good kid but when it's not there, it's not. I knew right away about Richard... I strongly believe you know when you know.

And then there's the guy who I met at the party on the weekend. He's not my regular type, at all. And I don't think I'll really pursue because he does drugs, or at least smokes weed and I don't want to settle for that but he's really nice also and really seems interested in talking to me.

I know having guys pursuing me is nothing, NOTHING, to complain about because it's flattering but it's just all overwhelming and I just want pursuit from Richard. I want throwback to Richard who cared about me and wasn't a jerkface.

Also, the thing about loving him is I never got my heart back nicely, it feels like he threw it back at me and I was clumsy and dropped it. I think there are those tiny little scratches on my heart now. The kind you get, the ones you can't see, but suddenly feel when you get into hot water or get some kind of dirt in them.

It's also just been a bit of a crappy day, I'm overtired and emotional. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it all.

Sunday night pasta

What a whirlwind the past week has been...

To start, I applied for a job two weeks ago in my company but it would mean no longer being a temp and on contract. It still restricts me from gaining benefits, but I'm pretty sure there will be an increase in pay. It will be weird at first, because I am now accustomed to a weekly income and with being on salary it will be bi-weekly. But, I get an hour long lunch! Which isn't super exciting because I have no car to go anywhere and there isn't anything within walking distance, but working in service we never take our lunch (Which yes, is illegal) because of how busy we are. I probably could have taken my lunch, but working as a temp puts a lot of pressure on you especially if you're hoping to get hired on. So, by taking a lunch I thought I would be seen as the weaker link and not be worth hiring. See the dilemma?

I was supposed to find out about whether or not I got the job on Friday, but I didn't. However, I already know the results of my interview because of a secret source. Because I'm not supposed to really know, I'm not going to post the results of my applying until I legitimately hear from the people employing.

This past week though has been delightful. I've been really happy and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I think the medication was a good decision, I've noticed a big difference in how my anxiety is triggering during situations which is awesome. The smallest thing no longer spirals me into a pit of worry and upset. Thank you serotonin neutralizing medication! Woo!

I went shopping yesterday with Leigh and truthfully left a fairly large dent in my wallet which I probably can't really afford, but I'm not having remorse. Most of it was essentials, like new bras and underwear. A part of my Halloween costume, and then I treated myself to a dress and boots that I really liked. Leigh also convinced me to go to a party with her in one of the university towns which was being held and attended by a group of people in high school I knew that I didn't think particuraly meshed well with my personality, and also didn't like me. However, I had a blast and apparently had some misconceptions of their feelings on me. I think that's what really caused all the anxiety towards them the past couple years, was just believing they didn't really like me as a person and so I began to convince myself that I also didn't enjoy their company. Although I don't appreciate some of their humour because I'm a prude, for the most part they are a pretty funny and also extremely nice group of people. They were extremely welcoming to me, which is something I appreciate because I think it's incredibly rude when people are exclusive at parties. Parties are for socialization, why are some people so clichey? It's the worst. But anyway, it was fun. I got called Lorde all night because I allegedly look like her? It's apparently because I have curly hair, dark eyebrows and was also wearing dark lipstick. Which frankly, is poor logic, but whatever. Also a compliment because I personally think she is beautiful. I was extremely hesitant to go in the first place, but I'm glad Leigh coaxed me into going. I had a good night.

I am extremely tired from the good night, but I think it was worth it.

Some things to be appreciative for are the fact that we have internet again!! After months of going without, it's nice to have it back. It's a bit slow, and watching youtube videos is extremely painful because of the buffering and loading time, but I'm so thankful to even have it. It's worth the wait.

Also, bus mama was absent last week and also on Wednesday. I was worried they may have switched her route but she was back on Thursday and Friday and she told me she would see me next week. I assume she was just sick. Glad she's better, she really makes my mornings from Wednesday - Friday because of how kind she is.

I also have great family and friends. I can't stress that enough. They are beyond what I think I deserve, and they are truly a blessing. They are what makes life beautiful and worth living for.

Finally, we are having spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I could literally eat pasta every single night, and I know this because I tested this hypothesis at school, and not get sick of it. I love pasta. I love it. It's probably my favourite food. So, that is a nice start to the week (Or end to the week, whichever you see Sunday as)

Anyway, I'm going to go have some family time and curl up with my blanket and pillow and watch television.

Happy days.

Appreciation

Last night when I was half asleep my dad tiptoed into my room and kissed me on the cheek. I love my parents a lot, and even though sometimes my view is filtered because of the hardships, they are wonderful to me. I'm lucky that my dad loves me as much as he does, and puts up with my attitude. Sometimes I still believe my mom doesn't like me very much, but I know she loves me as well. 

Also, another thing to appreciate is bus mama is back. I haven't seen her for a week and was worried she switched routes. I think she was sick or on vacation. 

Also let's appreciate quality snuggle time with Rigby.