A scary update is that today I felt so low that when I looked over at my dresser and saw my bottle of pills on it, the bottle stood out from everything else as if it was a skyscraper among small houses. For a split second, my eyes seemed to focus so hard on them that it was like I had developed an optical zoom like a camera lens. For a millisecond, my pills had a voice that called

"Take us. Take us all."

I haven't really felt suicidal in a long time. For the most part, my anxieties have been okay and not overwhelming. I think it is because I messed up my birth control and now have my period earlier than I was supposed to - my hormones are probably messing with me a lot.

Even though I haven't been suicidal, I've been tempted to cut a lot more lately. When I say a lot more, I just mean in comparison to the last couple of months where the desire to do that has been very rare, if at all in my mind. Perhaps it's just this time of year, because Christmas just always makes me sad. I know that it makes my parents sad too, and that makes me even sadder than I already am this time of year.
We had a tree though, and some gifts under it. I remember last year when we didn't have any gifts because our poverty level was strong. It was tough getting asked what presents I got by so many different people and having to lie.
My mom and dad got me a sweater and some socks and underwear. I wish they hadn't, I know that that was a stretch for them and they probably had to scrimp to do it.

I just feel like there is this dark cloud over me today. I want to cry. It's the lowest I've felt in a long time.. I'm not really sure what triggered it. One moment I was fine, and the next I wasn't. Everything got to me, and even though I feel pretty awful still, I do feel much better. I kind of regret deleting Richard off of snapchat... that was so rash of me. But probably ultimately for the best, right?

Life is just so hard. It's hard. And I feel like I am fucking it up all the time and I've spent so much money irrationally because I wanted to feel good and have pretty clothes. This is so stupid of me. I can feel myself circling around in these thoughts of sorrow and self-loathe and it travels in rapid brainwaves all the way to my wrists where my veins pulsate and even though I never have cut my wrist it's still where the urge gathers like a bomb that ticks and wants to explode.

I'm one of those people that is making no real difference. If I hadn't been born, or chosen to practically not exist I don't think it would cause any riff. I'm a pretty shit friend most of the time, and I'm so selfish and absorbed in myself. I don't volunteer or do anything particularly nice in a pay-it-forward way. I'm just sort of existing. I'm grey in a world of grey. I'm not a colour. I'm a shade. I'm stuck in shade, in darkness.

I don't know right now.
I know this is just a moment of weakness. I know I'll be better tomorrow, or in a few days.

But I'm so alone right now.