Hm

I don't feel so
                       G
              R
                 E
                          A
                                                        T

                                                                     Right now.

My dosage goes up from 15 to 20 tomorrow. I currently feel lonely and I have no motivation to go to work. I feel like I need a break but how do you get that? I can't just take the rest of the week off... I need to leave on good terms with the shop because Rentals 'works' closely with them. We are a 'team.' 

I want to be in a hammock that is swaying slightly early in the morning. The sun's rays leaking into the room, making dust particles dance in the rays that try to break the shaded areas. White pine wood from wall to wall, and light cream walls kept warm with pressured flowers between glass frames. 

I don't know. Right now in this very moment I feel like I'm having a hypnic jerk episode. That feeling you get when you're asleep and dreaming, and in your dream you're falling and you suddenly jolt awake as if your body was really falling off your bed, or into whatever was in the dream. I've had all sorts of those, some more unpleasant that the rest. I've had instances where I though I was really falling off the bed. Sometimes I dream I've missed a step, and it's so real. And  wake up in the middle of my bed, no risk. Safe.

It's hard being alone here. I fill my weekends up with plans but come Sunday, I know my glimpse of escapism is ending and reality is waiting to greet me when I get off the final bus. I miss having friends around the corner or in the next room. 

I'm not even sure this is about loneliness. I don't know what these feelings consuming me are about. Is being alone really what's troubling me? Not having people to hang out? I'm tired, I don't even feel like being with people most of the time when I get home from work. And if I do go out during the week, I almost always regret not getting as much sleep as I could have. But you need those social interactions sometimes to replenish you. I don't even know what I'm saying right now. I think I may be slightly incoherent in this moment. I think my brain is thinking different things and trying to get them all out all at once.

I want to cry but I can't. I feel right on the verge of my tear ducts opening up and becoming the hoover dam. Yet, I know I'm not going to cry. I don't think I have anything to cry about...

 I guess in every depression journey, there needs to be one or two incoherent blog posts, right?