Him

Life is weird. 

Since yesterday, my mind has not been off of Richard. I keep going through waves of sadness and anger. I miss him though, a lot. It's been very evident the whole day.. There's a huge part of me that wants nothing more for him to show up in front of me and just hold me. I always thought I fit so comfortably with him, and I always thought that was a good sign for us. It was just natural from the beginning (minus our first date when he tried to hold my hand and I completely flinched and panicked because I don't know how to date at first). 

In our brief but heavy conversation yesterday, I asked him if he could be sure he wanted to be with me again. To my disappointment, he replied by saying he wasn't sure. He 'sometimes feels he should be with me, but he's worried it's just a grass is greener scenario' so. There's that. 

I'm worried about that too, though. I've talked my situation out thoroughly with a few people and they all essentially have said the same thing. They're all from different networks and have no way of communication with each other and have gained these opinions on their own. So I also believe that is a sign. 

And truthfully, I feel like if I got back with Richard I would be stupid. I mean if I were looking at this situation from the outside, I would think the girl was stupid. 

Richard doesn't know what he wants, I think he struggles with all forms of commitment (work, hobbies, school, me) and that has really just been reiterated because of yesterday. As mature as I have thought he was, I think he is also still twenty. And although it's only a years difference, I think there's a huge maturity gap. I think that has to do with age and situational reasons. (I've had a hard life, was had it a lot easier) I don't think he's truly experienced a great deal of struggle, loss, or much of anything else I have. I think that shows a lot of the time. 

I love him still. Regardless of everything. And my heart is still breaking, especially because I feel like I lost him all over again yesterday. 

But in reality, he lost me. I told myself two weeks ago I would give him one opportunity to apologize. To make up for the hurt he caused by breaking up with me. Yesterday he did a half-ass, poorly worded speech to me about us. I think he was lonely. 

I don't think he misses me, I think he absolutely misses the idea of me. 

He's lost me though, I'm no longer open arms to his apology and grovelling (which didn't technically come, because how can yesterday even qualify?). 

He let me down. And now it's time to move on without looking back.