Another of These

I told myself I was done with breakup posts. Seriously, I feel so annoying. 

I'm okay. Yesterday I wasn't great, I think it really sank in yesterday that it was over and would never be what it was. I think the main cause of heartache is not letting go though, hoping and wishing for the past and thinking it will be the future. You can't live or love like that though. 

Like I said, I'm okay. I miss him and his presence, and all our little jokes and things that made us, us, and all the private things we constantly shared. Like today, I made an old man laugh in the grocery store and I instinctively wanted to pull out my phone and text him. I felt a tug at my heart though when I suddenly realized just days ago he stood on my court and told me our relationship was over. It's over. 

It's weird though, I think about being in it suddenly again and all I feel is exhaustion. I think of the two hour bus rides, how easily irritated I got at him towards the end, how much I was constantly pouring my heart out to him and receiving replies like ':), thanks baby you too,' or just general silence. I'm so tired thinking about it. I need to rest, I need to date myself. I'm really sad it couldn't be more, and that we have no communication and that we will probably never be friends. But that's not my problem. I tried my best to be a good girlfriend, and all along he saw me as disposable. And I knew that, too. I knew his philosophy on dating solely for experience in a 'let's see where this goes' kind of manner and I settled. I want to be loved in a kind of way that my next partner wants to be with me indefinitely. 

This relationship was draining, no wonder my bedtime is 8-9pm (but like it's actually that because I wake up so early at work. But attempt to be funny, so). 

I wanted it to work, and I hope I gave it my all. I hope he appreciated me and I wasn't just delusional in thinking I was a good girlfriend. 

Also, quickly, I was texting my male friend last night and mentioned that the worst part is not knowing whether or not he was feeling as awful as I was. Male friend said realistically, as a male and the dumper, he probably wasn't. In fact, there was a 1% chance he was feeling awful. Which sucks, and he told me that sucks, but he told me there's a good chance that in a few months or less it will hit him like a ton of bricks that he gave me up and that he misses me. Which may or may not be true. But I think by then I will be happily dating myself anyway, loving life and reflecting rarely with girlfriends on a past relationship that was lovely and a good time, but behind me and nothing but distant memories.