Hurting heart and sinus issues

Super sick and missing Richard. 

Consumed

I gave into a bad thought last night. I'm not proud and I'm very disappointed in myself because of it. 

I can't beat myself up though. This is a hard illness to conquer. Its not going to be a perfect battle. 

I'm also facing some paranoia with people. Convincing myself they don't like me and are only putting up with me in fear of pushing me to some sort of extreme of depression. This friend paranoia is one of the worst parts of my illness. It makes me feel really alone. 

Date

Tonight is supposed to be my date but I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up at 2am and wasn't able to fall back asleep. I'm exhausted and I know I'll be ready to crash by 8 and the date is at 7:30. 

I also just feel really crappy. Last night was a bad night and I let everything consume me. 

Bus mama

I don't even know where to begin to describe the happiness I have in my heart right now. 

To begin, I take three busses to work every morning. I use the load card because it gives you a significant discount and can just be easier. I've always loaded it online before sleeping and woken up to there being money on my card, but two days ago I put $30 on my presto in the morning. Knowing this, I happily got on the bus yesterday morning expecting to see my significant amount left on my card. But it got rejected. Insufficient funds... What? Excuse me, no. I have $32.11?! Just kidding. It didn't load. Apparently internet purchase on it is super unreliable according to my regular bus driver. So she let me on because she's the best and knows I pay for it regularly. So last night I put another ten dollars on it because I figured I didn't put in the right card number (my card is unregistered) and just gave some random person $30 on their card. You're welcome, stranger. I'm a giver. 

But anyway, my card didn't load. I checked online before the bus arrived so I didn't embarrass myself again. So I began walking, and the bus pulled up. So it idled as I crossed the road and it followed me, stopped and honked. My regular bus driver (seriously love her) yells "get your bum on this bus right now!" And then asked "you loaded online again didn't you" so I said yes, I was silly. She then said she is my bus mama and will take care of me and does not want me walking in the mornings. 

Needless to say, I won't load my card online anymore. I promise, bus mama. 

I'm going to buy her a tims card and give it to her tomorrow because I think she deserves it. 

Also, I woke up at 4am today reluctantly and thanks to my medication which causes some trouble sleeping. But, I didn't have anxiety. I had a bit but I was able to brush it away! So that's a step. 

But then my cats came and cuddled with me so it was worth it to be up the extra hour. Pan snuggled right into my chest and I rested my chin on him ever so slightly. It was the cutest thing and just an overall wonderful start to my day. 

I really need to hold on to this start when I start to get stressed at work. I find it important to not focus on the bad things but to remember all the small things that made a bit of difference. Sometimes they get ignored. Honestly, I ignore them a lot. Because anxiety and pessimism. 

I got asked out on a date last night by a boy who I met on the weekend. I'm feeling nervous about it and not sure I really should/am ready. I guess it doesn't hurt to try. 

Anyway, I am on my bus and as it is so early in the morning I have nothing much else to report on other than my bus is on a detoured route which makes me nervous but not letting it consume me. 

Until the morrow. 

My bus just drove past me. Which is probably my fault.. I probably didn't seem interested, you have to really show your interest and truthfully I was looking at a picture of my cat on my phone waiting for it to stop. I thought the bus would stop but.. That's cool. I really don't mind too much, I'm not super ready to be at work. I'm very tired! Sleeping hasn't been great but I'm hoping that's just my body adjusting to medication. I may have to switch when I take it to the mornings, I started taking it at night because it can make you really drowsy but I wake up wide awake at absurd times like 2 or 3. Not fun really. 

This morning Seamus was really cute. All he wanted to do was cuddle. He basically tempts me to stay home every day, him and Pan actually take shifts in the mornings, but it is also a really nice start to my day. I'm really so glad we have cats. I'm such a cat person it's ridiculous. 

My friend broke up with his girlfriend. I was kind of surprised to be honest, but he said he wasn't ready to be so serious at this age and they're on good terms. Which is really nice, because I really like her. Him and I were talking about our breakups though and just giving each other nice pep talks. He's a good dude. One of the few guys I can confidently say is a strictly platonic friendship with no worry of feelings and that is just really nice because I hate when feelings complicate things. My other completely platonic friendship is back at school and I miss that as well. I like having guy friends. 

I don't really know what to write about. In kind of just doing this to kill some time until my next bus comes. Mine is not as frequent as the others which sucks but it's obviously not as popular a bus. I think mine comes every twenty minutes opposed to others which come every five or so I think. 

Bus please love meeeeee. 

It's okay though I already called work and explained the situation and they cool. We cool. 

This blogpost is officially a mixture of tired and bored ramblings. I guess my next question is, is ramblings correct? It seems wrong. 

On Monday when i went to work with Shannon I slept in her car for an hour and a half because she starts at 5 and I start at 7 and I just want to have this documented that the pillow and blanket she provided me with were the comfiest ever. I was literally cuddled up with happiness in the form of blankets. 

I got on my second bus and now I'm waiting for my third. So I'm going to go now... 

Sleeping

I haven't been sleeping well since Sunday. Which probably isn't a big deal, but I started my medication then and I'm scared it's because of that. I wake up depressed too, struck with panic and anxiety. I'm worried about money, and my teeth. I'm really worried about my teeth because they hurt all the time basically and I'm sure there's something wrong but I can't afford the dentist. 

I want to take a ten minute nap. 

And I don't want to go to work today. But I have to. 

Fall fairs

What a weekend. My coworker invited me up this weekend to spend in her hometown/the fall fair (I'm becoming a fall fair junkie, apparently). 

Her town is small, and in the country, and very much what I picture the states being like. Lots of trucks, lots of camouflage, and lots of drinking. 

We drank in our other coworkers garage Friday night for most of the night, which was really fun and relaxing. I was super drunk, but it's okay. I deserve it. This is my last weekend of drinking. 

Dan, the owner of said garage, decided that I would really like his friend and took it upon himself (and later Shannon joined) to hook me up. The guy is 20, yes again a 20 year old... No thank you. But he's nice enough, sort of quiet and not so funny really. He's also just so country. I mean seriously, so country. Dan constantly made suggestive comments of us getting together, which was embarrassing and also hilarious. 

Saturday we ran errands with Shannon's mom and headed to the beer tent in the evening. The beer tent is basically the main attraction once you are over the age of nineteen, apparently. This night was my favourite. At first, sober and without many people I really knew, it was awkward and I was feeling some anxiety. But as the night progressed and people drank more alcohol, we all became good friends by the end of the night. 

I don't drink beer but felt I needed one for this picture. So I literally asked a complete stranger if I could borrow his beer. 

This is a fun group selfie. The guy above my head is the one Dan tried to set me up with. 

This morning I went to church with the boys in this photo. That was awkward and I'm surprised I really did it. Also, sort of dangerous maybe?? I don't know. Small town problems?? Church was nice though. I miss it a lot, and I want to get back into it. The only problem is I know there's going to be something said that I don't agree with and want to give it a rest. I need to find a church that is for me and had a good doctrine. 

So that sums up my weekend. There were many more good times inbetween everything. 

Weekend was wonderful. Now I go to work in five hours which is super sad. 

I'm looking forward to this weekend though!

Assessment day

I'm going for my mental health assessment today. It's not like I've not done this before, I've done it three times already in the past year. But there's something different about this one in a way. I think it feels more real in a way. It's like 'I know I'm severely depressed. I know I'm really unhealthy and I'm taking this test to get approved for a treatment program that is through the hospital.' I mean, the hospital. It's probably just that I associate the hospital as something scary and severe, but even still. I'm not just going to a school counsellor once every month and a half (yeah. Our wellness centre at school was awful BECAUSE SO MANY STUDENTS GET ANXIETY OR PHASES OF DEPRESSION BECAUSE OF HOW HARD IT REALLY IS AND ALL THE PRESSURE AND MENTAL HEALTH IS BARELY A PRIORITY AT THIS POINT AND SO OUR RESOURCES IN UNIVERSITIES KIND OF SUCK) but yeah. I'm proud of myself for doing this. I reached out for help which is how a Leighanna ended up finding this for me. I'm very thankful for my friends. 

Also, in other news, I watched the fault in our stars last night. I think they translated it really well and did a good job. I still found Gus a bit of an unbelievable character but I like how the actor portrayed him. It was well done. 

I am also spending the weekend at my co-workers which I'm excited/nervous for. I've done the thing where I book up all my weekends again. I need some me time. Shoot. 

I'm so tired I'm struggling to stay awake. 

Love and depression article

http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-everett/2014/06/what-its-like-to-be-in-love-when-you-have-depression

Just read this. Wanting to cry at work. But it's nice that it's an issue that isn't unrelatable. 

I definitely felt this 100% of the time dating Richard. 

Capable

"I know eventually I will find someone that makes me happy again."

The angry stage.

I'm so mad at you. I'm mad because you broke my heart and because I wasn't worth trying. I'm mad because you made me feel like I wasn't good enough and I feel degraded. I'm mad because I still love you and want nothing more than to see you calling me, and telling me you're on your way to hold me and kiss it all better. 

I'm mad because I heard a stupid queens of the stone age song today and all I saw was your happy face from when we went to the concert. 

I'm mad because you were the funniest person I know, and you made me so happy. And because I felt so safe and it was so wonderful to be able to wake up beside you in the mornings. 

And I'm mad because you're barely sorry, and you barely miss me. And because you sucked so bad at getting me back that you made me reject you.   

I'm mad because I love you so much that I'm able to have this horrible heart break. 

Hurting

Heartbreak is the worst. 

Him

Life is weird. 

Since yesterday, my mind has not been off of Richard. I keep going through waves of sadness and anger. I miss him though, a lot. It's been very evident the whole day.. There's a huge part of me that wants nothing more for him to show up in front of me and just hold me. I always thought I fit so comfortably with him, and I always thought that was a good sign for us. It was just natural from the beginning (minus our first date when he tried to hold my hand and I completely flinched and panicked because I don't know how to date at first). 

In our brief but heavy conversation yesterday, I asked him if he could be sure he wanted to be with me again. To my disappointment, he replied by saying he wasn't sure. He 'sometimes feels he should be with me, but he's worried it's just a grass is greener scenario' so. There's that. 

I'm worried about that too, though. I've talked my situation out thoroughly with a few people and they all essentially have said the same thing. They're all from different networks and have no way of communication with each other and have gained these opinions on their own. So I also believe that is a sign. 

And truthfully, I feel like if I got back with Richard I would be stupid. I mean if I were looking at this situation from the outside, I would think the girl was stupid. 

Richard doesn't know what he wants, I think he struggles with all forms of commitment (work, hobbies, school, me) and that has really just been reiterated because of yesterday. As mature as I have thought he was, I think he is also still twenty. And although it's only a years difference, I think there's a huge maturity gap. I think that has to do with age and situational reasons. (I've had a hard life, was had it a lot easier) I don't think he's truly experienced a great deal of struggle, loss, or much of anything else I have. I think that shows a lot of the time. 

I love him still. Regardless of everything. And my heart is still breaking, especially because I feel like I lost him all over again yesterday. 

But in reality, he lost me. I told myself two weeks ago I would give him one opportunity to apologize. To make up for the hurt he caused by breaking up with me. Yesterday he did a half-ass, poorly worded speech to me about us. I think he was lonely. 

I don't think he misses me, I think he absolutely misses the idea of me. 

He's lost me though, I'm no longer open arms to his apology and grovelling (which didn't technically come, because how can yesterday even qualify?). 

He let me down. And now it's time to move on without looking back. 

Yesterday

Feeling really upset about the whole Richard situation. I wish he hadn't texted me.  

Lovely with a chance of rain

I had a lovely weekend. 

Friday I got home from work and just relaxed with my family. I was so exhausted after a long week. 

Saturday I began my journey to Caroline's at her university. I stopped off at my old university to buy my greyhound ticket and to see some friends if anyone was around. When I arrived, the ticket place was closed FOR THAT DAY ONLY. luckily one of my best friends drove me downtown and we caught to reunite and catch up. 

We stumbled across a tea room and had to go in. Lindsay was in England for a year and felt homesick but it was nice. 

I had a red velvet cupcake with a lemon-tasting icing. I'm not sure how I felt about the icing but it was still enjoyable. I just don't think I was expecting lemon and it caught me off guard. 

I was missioning up to Caroline's with promise of a sushi date and fall fair in a small town near another small town one of her roommates is from. 

It was actually a lot of fun. I love small town environments and the people I was with made it so much more sweeter. 

We watched a demo derby which was actually more fun than I had expected!! One of the cars in the last heat caught on fire. I got it on video which will be perfect for my September video!!! 

Remembering

Things have been bad, that's very clear given my blog and also my reach for help. I can't say when it is going to get better, but I know it will. 

I'm mostly writing this blog in dedication to one of the best people I know. Sincerely, one of the best people I know. 

The thing I love about life is how surprising it can be. It gives you these gifts in the strangest ways. Never did I expect to meet this person through my ex-boyfriend. But I did. I got a lot out of that relationship, but I'm most thankful for the wonderful friendship I have. 

You see, this friend is the girlfriend of Richard's brother. We hit it off right away, we became allies in a place we felt uncomfortable and awkward in and stuck together. We bonded. I love her. I love her as if she were my sister, which may be super clingy of me but it's true. If I were to ever have an older sister, she is what I would want in one. 

I always liked that we were both similar. We didn't come from families like our boyfriends at all, and she understood the dynamic that I came from. She's been working really hard, and now that she is in the real world, her student bubble has floated too high and popped, she is struggling. I hate to see it, and I hate that there's not much I can do except give her empty encouragement that she hears from everyone else. 

The worst part about being unemployed is the encouragement, I think. You sit there and watch everyone else appear to be doing so much more with their lives than you are. Because, that is the worst thing about our social media connection. The ability to filter. I personally never post photos of the nights I am lying in my bed having a panic attack or full fledged depression induced meltdown. 

I only post good times and laughable Kodak moments. And everyone else is the same, but for some reason it's easy to forget that you are not the only one who filters pictures to make your life seem perfect. 

Richard paid for me a lot in our relationship, and I hate that. I wanted to be able to spoil him and contribute to grocery shopping or movie dates. But he would always give me a reason why I should not pay, but I always knew it was because he knew I didn't have much money. I'm sure she is facing that as well. 

Of course our boyfriends didn't or don't mind. That's what the people that love you do, they care for you because they want to. If they didn't, well, they wouldn't be with someone who is struggling a bit. 

I wish that there was a time, maybe once a week or once a month, when you were able to see yourself from a different persons eyes. I think that would help a lot with self esteem and confidence. We are so numb to ourselves, we stop seeing the traits that make us the beautiful people we are. We would be able to see the trust and confidence we have in the people we love, and maybe that would help us see ourselves in a more positive light. 

I'm not sure if that made sense. It's early. 

But anyway, I know you're going to read this eventually because you are the only one who reads this blog, but what I'm saying is don't give up. You are thought of so highly, to me and so many other people. Stuart wouldn't be with you if you weren't an amazing person. I mean it. I don't think he would, I don't think he would have been able to survive Europe with you. I don't think the love that I see from him when he looks at you or is talking about you would be there. 

It's hard not to get discouraged when there is a void in your life like employment. Especially because of everything else that it brings in, like financial stress, stress about stability. Fear of not being successful, or fear of not ever being anyone. 

But you are already someone. 

I love you very much. I may not always be great at comforting you, so just refer to this post when I am particularly sucking. And I hope this helps, even if it's the most minuscule amount. 

Sick all the time

I'm sick in two ways today, which is exhausting. 

I'm unable to breathe through my nose very well, and I seem to be infinitely blowing my nose. It's a real bummer, but I appear to be a bit better compared to yesterday. 

Depression seems bad today. Really bad. I'm so tired all the time, but today especially. I don't want to go to work but I really have to. I can't afford to skip it. 

I really like my life for the most part. As hard as it is at home, I love my family. I'm very thankful for them. 

I have great friends. Really, they're great. 

I'm very lonely though. Care is at school now and Leighanna works two jobs, both very opposite to my schedule. The rest of my friends always lived far, but in times like these it feels more significant. 

I'm very scared about my condition. Sometimes it gets really easy to justify the bad thoughts, and I'm just too tired at times to fight them off. Hopefully I can get into the treatment soon. 

Rain all day

I love the rain. I see it as a perfect excuse to stay in and cuddle up and do nothing. Which is what I did this evening. That, and take a nap. 

I'm sick, I am thinking it's a sinus infection. Hoping it isn't bronchitis, apparently Leigh might have that and I was in close proximity to her all weekend. I think I even shared some wine with her. 

Speaking of this weekend, here are some photos: 

I think I already spoke about the wedding. But it was a ton of fun, I cried a bit and got emotional. I also drank a substantial amount of alcohol and did not get super drunk, and was sober by the time we left for the hotel. That's an accomplishment. I still can't really believe what happened at the wedding (kissing boy, etc) (by etc I mean making out). It's weird because I don't normally just make out with a guy and never see him again, I usually will awkwardly see him through mutual friends or end up seeing him for a while. This never happens, it's weird but makes me feel very 21 for some reason. I blame sex and the city and gossip girl, they make being in your twenties far more scandalous and dramatic than need be. 

I'm falling asleep because of general tiredness and also being sick. So I'll leave off a cute picture of Seamus and me snuggling. 

Things are really bad right now. I don't know what to do. Life is overwhelming and I'm afraid and I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. If I go on medication again, what if it doesn't help? And it pushes me to do things. What if the medication prevents me from stopping myself from following through the bad thoughts? The self-harm and all that is worse. 

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. 

Having a really bad day of depression. I want to cry every second, I didn't go to work today and I don't want to go tomorrow. 

I hate this. I just want to be better. 

I feel really alone, one out of two of my friends in Brampton has bronchitis and I don't want to hang out with my other one because I don't feel close enough with him to be in this crappy mood. 

I had a second of bad thoughts. 

Nevermore

I was at a wedding last night, which was beautiful and great and I had a wonderful time dancing with my friends. 

I did something scandalous though. I flirted with a guy all night. We kisses and made out and when we all left for the hotel he came with and we made out more and cuddled. In the two hours I managed to fall asleep (having extreme difficulties) he left. Like he left. 

I have never done anything so scandalous and I am shocked he actually left while I was sleeping. I don't mind, I think this morning would have been weird. But still. I mean dude, I slept on the floor to cuddle with you. I gave up a prime hotel bed. Dang. 

Another of These

I told myself I was done with breakup posts. Seriously, I feel so annoying. 

I'm okay. Yesterday I wasn't great, I think it really sank in yesterday that it was over and would never be what it was. I think the main cause of heartache is not letting go though, hoping and wishing for the past and thinking it will be the future. You can't live or love like that though. 

Like I said, I'm okay. I miss him and his presence, and all our little jokes and things that made us, us, and all the private things we constantly shared. Like today, I made an old man laugh in the grocery store and I instinctively wanted to pull out my phone and text him. I felt a tug at my heart though when I suddenly realized just days ago he stood on my court and told me our relationship was over. It's over. 

It's weird though, I think about being in it suddenly again and all I feel is exhaustion. I think of the two hour bus rides, how easily irritated I got at him towards the end, how much I was constantly pouring my heart out to him and receiving replies like ':), thanks baby you too,' or just general silence. I'm so tired thinking about it. I need to rest, I need to date myself. I'm really sad it couldn't be more, and that we have no communication and that we will probably never be friends. But that's not my problem. I tried my best to be a good girlfriend, and all along he saw me as disposable. And I knew that, too. I knew his philosophy on dating solely for experience in a 'let's see where this goes' kind of manner and I settled. I want to be loved in a kind of way that my next partner wants to be with me indefinitely. 

This relationship was draining, no wonder my bedtime is 8-9pm (but like it's actually that because I wake up so early at work. But attempt to be funny, so). 

I wanted it to work, and I hope I gave it my all. I hope he appreciated me and I wasn't just delusional in thinking I was a good girlfriend. 

Also, quickly, I was texting my male friend last night and mentioned that the worst part is not knowing whether or not he was feeling as awful as I was. Male friend said realistically, as a male and the dumper, he probably wasn't. In fact, there was a 1% chance he was feeling awful. Which sucks, and he told me that sucks, but he told me there's a good chance that in a few months or less it will hit him like a ton of bricks that he gave me up and that he misses me. Which may or may not be true. But I think by then I will be happily dating myself anyway, loving life and reflecting rarely with girlfriends on a past relationship that was lovely and a good time, but behind me and nothing but distant memories. 

Not even turkey day

It is easy to forget when you're sad that there are a ton of people around you who love you and want nothing more than to see you happy. 

My friends have really stepped up. Old friends and new friends. The point is, people care. Not all love is lost. In fact, most isn't. Just a little bit of it. But I have so much already, I shouldn't be greedy. 

Sweet Dreams

Today, overall, was better. The morning was hard but I've been doing a lot of thinking. Positive thinking. 

But I get sad at little things. Like not having someone to say goodnight to. 

So goodnight blog, sweet dreams! I hope you have a wonderful sleep.

I miss him so much 

On and Off

I am sad, and then I am not. I am angry and also so regretful. Right now, I feel more sad than anything. I've been reflecting, thinking about the future. Like the fact that the next time I kiss someone, it won't be Richard. That thought broke my heart earlier. 

I do think this breakup was good for us. The past few weeks I have been miserable and clearly he has too. But at the same time, I wish he would have talked to me about it. I wish I hadn't been so irritable all the time. I guess I wish it had ended better. I feel a lot of relief though. Things had been different for months. 

As much as I feel mostly okay (aside from occasional bursts of sadness and tears) I am really torn up about it. He was my love. My beb. My Richard. He was my private concerts during car rides, and warmth on cold nights. 

But he also ignored me a lot, and he didn't try to do cute things for me like I did for him. He was negative and often inconsiderate. 

Destiny

My eyes are quite swollen from 

A) staying up late and, 

B) crying. 

Richard and I broke up yesterday. He drove down to do it, said it wasn't fixable. Apparently we have just been feeling too much like friends. I am very sad about this, and my heart feels heavy. I am on and off in a good stage and bad, and crying sporadically. At the same time though, I'm okay with it. I think I've been preparing myself for a while now, and Richard stopped acting like a boyfriend a few weeks ago. He was distant, and I could tell. Truthfully, I think it is a good thing. Deep down, I'm aware that our relationship wasn't perfect. There were a lot of things I didn't like about Richard, and things he did. I just put up with it because I love him. It feels like this relationship was over weeks ago, but it just finally got to a time where one of us had the confidence to end it. 

It was a good relationship, and I have no regrets. I'm lucky to have been with Richard. I hope he is very happy. 

I will still be sad for a while but, it will get better over time.