So I am a little sad. 

It's okay though. It's for the best. 

Hm

I don't feel so
                       G
              R
                 E
                          A
                                                        T

                                                                     Right now.

My dosage goes up from 15 to 20 tomorrow. I currently feel lonely and I have no motivation to go to work. I feel like I need a break but how do you get that? I can't just take the rest of the week off... I need to leave on good terms with the shop because Rentals 'works' closely with them. We are a 'team.' 

I want to be in a hammock that is swaying slightly early in the morning. The sun's rays leaking into the room, making dust particles dance in the rays that try to break the shaded areas. White pine wood from wall to wall, and light cream walls kept warm with pressured flowers between glass frames. 

I don't know. Right now in this very moment I feel like I'm having a hypnic jerk episode. That feeling you get when you're asleep and dreaming, and in your dream you're falling and you suddenly jolt awake as if your body was really falling off your bed, or into whatever was in the dream. I've had all sorts of those, some more unpleasant that the rest. I've had instances where I though I was really falling off the bed. Sometimes I dream I've missed a step, and it's so real. And  wake up in the middle of my bed, no risk. Safe.

It's hard being alone here. I fill my weekends up with plans but come Sunday, I know my glimpse of escapism is ending and reality is waiting to greet me when I get off the final bus. I miss having friends around the corner or in the next room. 

I'm not even sure this is about loneliness. I don't know what these feelings consuming me are about. Is being alone really what's troubling me? Not having people to hang out? I'm tired, I don't even feel like being with people most of the time when I get home from work. And if I do go out during the week, I almost always regret not getting as much sleep as I could have. But you need those social interactions sometimes to replenish you. I don't even know what I'm saying right now. I think I may be slightly incoherent in this moment. I think my brain is thinking different things and trying to get them all out all at once.

I want to cry but I can't. I feel right on the verge of my tear ducts opening up and becoming the hoover dam. Yet, I know I'm not going to cry. I don't think I have anything to cry about...

 I guess in every depression journey, there needs to be one or two incoherent blog posts, right? 

Fuck you and the horrible things you say while intoxicated. 

Fuck you for not being more responsible. 

Fuck you for tonight, and all the other nights. 

And fuck you for leavi Rigby alone, for leaving food out that caused him to vomit all over my room just now. 

Fuck you so very much. 

Fall Adventures

I came up to visit my best friend, Care, for the weekend. We went to a local farm that does a lot of fun, Autumn events like pumpkin patches, apple picking, haunted barns, corn mazes, hay rides, etc.,
Our intention was to explore the corn maze, find some pumpkins, and have a lovely day.

Mission success.

The weather was absolutely perfect for it. It was sunny and warm with a lovely breeze for when you got a bit too warm due to over-layering.

I don't know what else to say other than that I am so thankful for how happy I have been these past two months. Although there are times I get sad about the whole being single situation, I think I needed it. I needed to have my weekends and to not worry about seeing my significant other. These past two months I have been free, been able to heal myself and not worrying about making someone else happy. I've been able to see more of my friends and dedicate more time. I've gained a lot of confidence again which is awesome. Even though I'm scared to death for what is to come in the future, I'm beginning to think it will all be fine.

Here are some pictures from the yesterday:

Selfie game

In bed but can't sleep. My eyes feel tired but my mind is awake. Everyone has a tv on really loud because my dad and brother have hearing issues. 

Yesterday I bought a coat that I'm absolutely in love with 

It looks a bit oversized which I love about it. I was worried about sizing though because I got a large and apparently it doesn't come in XL because that is considered plus size which is just ridiculous to me. But still. The coat and I are in love. 

I've been texting that guy from the party I went to. He's really nice and an absolute sweetheart but I don't find him funny, maybe he's funnier in person, and I've been absolutely hilarious 

I am the green. Maybe it was an insensitive joke??? But hilarious. I laughed really hard at myself. I was on a role, I made a really funny joke to my neighbour right after this. 

That is him being super sweet. But still. I'm not sure... Conversation flow is not great and he's just laying on the sweetness a bit too much. I would like some witty banter and mean sarcasm. Sigh. I don't know.

Also me in my new scarf. Happy. Can't wait for it to not be a million degrees outside and I don't sweat in it. 

Also, bittersweet but I realized once I start my new job I won't be starting work at seven anymore and I won't get to see my morning bus friends which is really sad. And bus mama!! But I haven't seen her all week, so I think they're getting ready to switch her route. I don't know! But anyway, bittersweet. 

I also won't get to call my favourite vendor anymore. I called today to chat and tell them I only have a week left. 

One of the girls has a nine year old daughter whom is getting bullied so I gave tara my phone number and were gonna set up a coffee date and see if I can help her daughter at all. Just to be there and be an older figure that isn't her mom, give her a friend. Have someone who was bullied and grew up strong and confident. I had a lot of support from great people in my rough times and I want to do the same. Plus the girl is like 72 pounds, in therapy and isn't getting help from teachers (her principal told Tara she might be making it up for attention. Um WHAT) anyway. Hopefully I can make a bit of a difference. And if I can't for Riley, at least Tara sees people caring about her daughter and stuff. It's been tough on her seeing her baby in so much pain. 

Kids suck. 

Small tid'

Sort of story but mostly a reflective anecdote with a few tweaks. 

When I walked away from you my ears felt hot as the blood rushed to it, everything in the world was muted except for a slowing heartbeat that once belonged to a love that fed it flowing blood and strong vitals. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, fumbling for something in my bag seemed to be the only thing I remembered how to do. My brain took charge and sent signals to my legs, making them move one in front of the other. They listened well, they supported me. It was slow and steady, but they got me turned around and away from you. When I had the capacity to tell my brain something, it was to look back. Look back, I told my brain. It was as if looking back would suddenly change everything, it would alter the moment that erupted in the catwalk and all would be well. My head turned first and my body followed, my hands stopped fumbling and my heart stopped screaming. You were there, you had come back. You stood there with your long limbs looking like I felt. Defeated, exhausted. Alone. My brain sent the message to my legs again, and the two did their thing. They got me from A to B and suddenly I was at C, which was you. My lip quivered as my eyes threatened salt, and I inhaled ever so slightly ever so much ever so only as much as I could do. I don’t know how to say goodbye, you whispered to me. My veins surged and sent signals to my brain telling it to transmit a message from my mouth to scream up to the sky to you to everyone around GOODBYE ONLY COUNTS FOR GOODBYE but I couldn’t because you were gone already. But instead my brain doth protested and me too the words to follow. My brain knew the answer before my heart. I wasn’t saying goodbye to you, you were saying goodbye to me.

Witty Quality

Sigh. Been bummed this week,

This is going to sound awful, but I've had a few guys since Richard and I brokeup pursue me. It's all very flattering and definitely nothing to be complaining about, in fact it really is a huge confidence boost to see the attention I've been getting. However, I really do wish one of them was up to par with the standards I have. You know, someone who is witty and makes conversation I enjoy. Someone who is funny and sarcastic and and intelligent. Someone I click with and think "Yes. You're great."

Someone who doesn't make me think "You're not Richard, though."

Training and tears

Today wasn't the best day for me. I ended up having a pretty severe anxiety attack because of the overwhelming amount of pressure I feel I am receiving from everyone at work. They are putting an immense responsibility solely on my shoulders and it is really stressing me out. Because I am a temp, I am easily disposable and easily replaceable. I feel if I don't improve our numbers, that is what is going to happen. I'm continuing to get bullied my the afternoon supervisor, and now my daytime supervisor is making passive-aggressive comments about me behind my back. I broke down and cried today it was all too much. 

I am thankful though because regardless of the problems I faced, I didn't let them consume me entirely. Other than the anxiety attack, I didn't continue to let it drag in the other bad parts of my life and I didn't let it crush me like a boulder. I was able to calm down, smile and laugh, and enjoy a relaxing evening.

The guy from the party has been texting me, I don't love the conversation. It isn't super stimulating and he's not witty. Disappointing, but another sign to not settle and not to dive into anything romantic so soon.

I planned to call Ryan tonight and tell him I'm not in a place to pursue a relationship but I chickened out. I will try to do it tomorrow. Fingers crossed for me!

Looking extremely forward to the weekend, I'm going up to see Care and we are going to a pumpkin patch with her roommates. I'm not sure the last time I've been to one, if ever I've been to one. (I'm sure I've been to one, right?!) And I think we are going to do some pumpkin carving!! So exciting. I wish I had done more autumn things, like a corn maze or something. Maybe next year?

Also, started my October video. I already really like it, I've been trying to take more scenic and aesthetically pleasing shots to mix with the more social clips and I'm quite happy with that decision. I also am using a Purity Ring song that I'm obsessed with right now. I'm excited for the finished result of October's video, and it's surreal that I don't have that long to wait to be able to make it. 

I'm quite tired, so I am going to hopefully be asleep in ten minutes. I'm going to make the best of tomorrow and walk into the office with my chin held high and my heart open to the small things that make up a day filled with a large amount of happiness. 

Goodnight!

Movie Passes and Bitter Reminders

When your best friend has free movie coupons that expire on the 31st, there is only one thing to do with them: See a Nicholas Sparks movie. Leigh and I saw 'The Best of Me' tonight. Normally, I don't love Nicholas Sparks movies. I think the translations come off way too cheesy, poorly acted and very over-dramatic. Even though this one was sort of the same as the others, it was really nice. It had a theme like most of his recent movies, the 'I never fell out of love with you' one. It was romantic and sweet, and I didn't see the ending coming which is surprising for myself and a Nicholas Sparks movie. But alas, earwax.

Lately I haven't been really sad about Richard. I haven't been missing him and I seemed to have come to terms with the situation, but this movie kind of brought up some obviously suppressed feelings. I miss him and my heart is aching.

In terms of dating, I feel overwhelmed which I think is a good sign to not do it. I feel pressured by Dan to go on more dates with Ryan, and today Dan overheard me telling Erin and Shannon about a guy I had met at a party who is showing a lot of interest in me and he started making these comments about how I should give Ryan a chance, and how he'll treat me like a queen and etc etc. Next thing I know, I'm leaving the theatre and my phone alerts me that I have a voicemail - and it's from Ryan.

I feel bad not wanting to really give Ryan a chance because I know he's a giant sweetheart and a really good kid but when it's not there, it's not. I knew right away about Richard... I strongly believe you know when you know.

And then there's the guy who I met at the party on the weekend. He's not my regular type, at all. And I don't think I'll really pursue because he does drugs, or at least smokes weed and I don't want to settle for that but he's really nice also and really seems interested in talking to me.

I know having guys pursuing me is nothing, NOTHING, to complain about because it's flattering but it's just all overwhelming and I just want pursuit from Richard. I want throwback to Richard who cared about me and wasn't a jerkface.

Also, the thing about loving him is I never got my heart back nicely, it feels like he threw it back at me and I was clumsy and dropped it. I think there are those tiny little scratches on my heart now. The kind you get, the ones you can't see, but suddenly feel when you get into hot water or get some kind of dirt in them.

It's also just been a bit of a crappy day, I'm overtired and emotional. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it all.

Sunday night pasta

What a whirlwind the past week has been...

To start, I applied for a job two weeks ago in my company but it would mean no longer being a temp and on contract. It still restricts me from gaining benefits, but I'm pretty sure there will be an increase in pay. It will be weird at first, because I am now accustomed to a weekly income and with being on salary it will be bi-weekly. But, I get an hour long lunch! Which isn't super exciting because I have no car to go anywhere and there isn't anything within walking distance, but working in service we never take our lunch (Which yes, is illegal) because of how busy we are. I probably could have taken my lunch, but working as a temp puts a lot of pressure on you especially if you're hoping to get hired on. So, by taking a lunch I thought I would be seen as the weaker link and not be worth hiring. See the dilemma?

I was supposed to find out about whether or not I got the job on Friday, but I didn't. However, I already know the results of my interview because of a secret source. Because I'm not supposed to really know, I'm not going to post the results of my applying until I legitimately hear from the people employing.

This past week though has been delightful. I've been really happy and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I think the medication was a good decision, I've noticed a big difference in how my anxiety is triggering during situations which is awesome. The smallest thing no longer spirals me into a pit of worry and upset. Thank you serotonin neutralizing medication! Woo!

I went shopping yesterday with Leigh and truthfully left a fairly large dent in my wallet which I probably can't really afford, but I'm not having remorse. Most of it was essentials, like new bras and underwear. A part of my Halloween costume, and then I treated myself to a dress and boots that I really liked. Leigh also convinced me to go to a party with her in one of the university towns which was being held and attended by a group of people in high school I knew that I didn't think particuraly meshed well with my personality, and also didn't like me. However, I had a blast and apparently had some misconceptions of their feelings on me. I think that's what really caused all the anxiety towards them the past couple years, was just believing they didn't really like me as a person and so I began to convince myself that I also didn't enjoy their company. Although I don't appreciate some of their humour because I'm a prude, for the most part they are a pretty funny and also extremely nice group of people. They were extremely welcoming to me, which is something I appreciate because I think it's incredibly rude when people are exclusive at parties. Parties are for socialization, why are some people so clichey? It's the worst. But anyway, it was fun. I got called Lorde all night because I allegedly look like her? It's apparently because I have curly hair, dark eyebrows and was also wearing dark lipstick. Which frankly, is poor logic, but whatever. Also a compliment because I personally think she is beautiful. I was extremely hesitant to go in the first place, but I'm glad Leigh coaxed me into going. I had a good night.

I am extremely tired from the good night, but I think it was worth it.

Some things to be appreciative for are the fact that we have internet again!! After months of going without, it's nice to have it back. It's a bit slow, and watching youtube videos is extremely painful because of the buffering and loading time, but I'm so thankful to even have it. It's worth the wait.

Also, bus mama was absent last week and also on Wednesday. I was worried they may have switched her route but she was back on Thursday and Friday and she told me she would see me next week. I assume she was just sick. Glad she's better, she really makes my mornings from Wednesday - Friday because of how kind she is.

I also have great family and friends. I can't stress that enough. They are beyond what I think I deserve, and they are truly a blessing. They are what makes life beautiful and worth living for.

Finally, we are having spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I could literally eat pasta every single night, and I know this because I tested this hypothesis at school, and not get sick of it. I love pasta. I love it. It's probably my favourite food. So, that is a nice start to the week (Or end to the week, whichever you see Sunday as)

Anyway, I'm going to go have some family time and curl up with my blanket and pillow and watch television.

Happy days.

Appreciation

Last night when I was half asleep my dad tiptoed into my room and kissed me on the cheek. I love my parents a lot, and even though sometimes my view is filtered because of the hardships, they are wonderful to me. I'm lucky that my dad loves me as much as he does, and puts up with my attitude. Sometimes I still believe my mom doesn't like me very much, but I know she loves me as well. 

Also, another thing to appreciate is bus mama is back. I haven't seen her for a week and was worried she switched routes. I think she was sick or on vacation. 

Also let's appreciate quality snuggle time with Rigby. 

Mix-up

My blog got a bit scrambled down below. My hoco post was from September. But it didn't post initially, so it's ahead of the latest one. 

Hoco

I had a great weekend. I went up to school to do some homecoming celebrations and had such a fantastic time with my friends. 

I hung out with my friends Lauryn, Asia, Lizzy and Darcy for most of the day. We played Kings and the girls really got to know Darcy more and loved him. He's pretty fabulous for a straight guy and just gets along well with girls because he loves things like Disney and Cosmo and a bunch of other things that generally guys don't own up to enjoying. We were full of laughter and just had a great time. 

We had a cuddle puddle nap time twice (because day drinking does that to you) and went to a party later on in the night. I got pretty drunk, drunker than I have been in a while. Which is saying something because I seem to be drinking more than I normally do lately, I don't love that. I think I'm going to stop for a while. 

I'm super tired now. My legs are just loving the blanket nest I have inhabited and are stretched out and my body is just really appreciating it. I'm watching Harry potter and drinking tea out of my mug that sort of looks like a potion. 

My parents are at the bar but I'm content with being home alone right now. I just want to chill out in private. 

I'm happy. So happy. 

I had a pretty spectacular weekend. I'm really happy about it. 

Friday we didn't really do too much. But Saturday we went to ikea where I bought a new lamp 

It reminds me of Tangled, all I want to do is listen to 'and at last I see the light' while it's on. I'm pretty obsessed with the lamp. 

I met Shannon's brother, he's pretty funny and gets my sarcasm so it was a fun time hanging out with both him and Shannon. 

Saturday night was Kyle(Ryan)'s housewarming party. It was kind of like walking into a youth group. It was super awkward at first and actually really boring truthfully. His parents were excited to meet me which is really suffocating because hi hello, I've gone on one date with the kid. Yikes.

Sunday we spent at Shannon's grandmothers house which was honestly a blast. We literally spent the afternoon playing cards with the elderly and I had a great time. Her aunt and uncle came later with her cousin and by the end of the night I was labelled Shannon's super witty friend. Kevin and I, Shannon's brother, rolled with the joke of getting together and we made Shannon cry from laughter several times. I had a blast! 

I was happy to get home though and cuddle with the kittens. 

They seemed pretty happy to see me which warmed my heart. 

Today involves alternating between reading fruits basket, my magazine, and playing the sims. 

It feels super cosy in here. I have no regrets. 

Rejection sucks. Not being worth it sucks. Not being able to stop missing and loving you yet sucks. 

Why wasn't I worth it? Why wasn't a year of love worth it to try and fight. 

I miss you so much you stupid asshole. 

Seriously fuck you. I'm so hurt and my heart hurts so much. Why did you go this to me last weekend??? You got my hopes up. 

You stupid asshole. You broke me. You hurt me. I am so sad. I'm so sad you're not with me anymore. 

I just want to cry. 

Thanks be giving

Well, it's Friday. I survived the week. It's been up and down, some moments have been harder than others. But mostly, I'm alright. This weekend feels like it will be hard, I keep thinking back to last years thanksgiving when Richard was really excited to see me, and wanted me there all weekend with him. We were so happy. 

I'm not sure we were happy towards the end, but that happens. Do I think with a little work it could have been fixed? Yes. But it's okay. I keep going with the reassurance that eventually I am going to meet someone again who I am so in sync with, and who wants to be happy and nt so happy with me for a long time. Relationships are hard and they aren't perfect, and sometimes they do feel like it would be better to end. But there's a person who works through all of It because a life without me is out of the question. 

I seem sad, and I think maybe a little part of me is. But I am just so happy from the book I am reading and happy knowing I won't be alone this weekend. And that I have such great people in my life. 

Found a rainbow.

I bought a new book today. It's by Rainbow Rowell. It's called Fangirl, and so far I really enjoy it. I really just like Rowell as an author, period. I think she's able to capture the small things that people can relate to. This book in partials deals with anxiety and so obviously it's right down my alley. I think if I dont take any breaks I will be finished by ten. But, I lost my headphones last weekend so I want to have a book to read on the bus tomorrow. However, I do have like a million books from Sierra (Fruits Basket, manga and the sequels to Howls moving castle) it's really good so far. 

I had a job interview today. At my current work place, but it would give me the opportunity to be on a contract would be better than being a temp. It went okay. I find out next Friday. 

I'm so tired. I want to watch greys anatomy but I want to sleep. I've already missed two episodes and I don't want to keep getting behind. It's ten minutes in and already full of gore. But sleep. 

Howl

I finished Howl's Moving Castle. Both the book and the movie. 

I loved the book. I couldn't put it down and I just felt so warm after reading it. I think it was beautiful and officially one of my favourite books. I thought the different worlds was a neat idea, and I was really in the book while I read. 

I didn't love the movie, although I did enjoy it. I think I was mostly disappointed it wasn't much like the book at all because I think it would have been nice to see it come alive. However, at the same time, the movie brought a good version to the table. The characters were sassier and had funnier lines, and I think the voice actors did a wonderful job. I'm pretty sure Blythe Danner was old Sophie and I really enjoy her. 

It's weird to think Jena Malone and Josh Hutcherson were voice actors. Not to mention Christian Bale. Many distinguishable actors and actresses, but then, it is a Disney movie so I shouldn't be all too surprised realistically. 

The book has a really nice message, and is definitely encouraging and inspiring during my little brief dabble in the art of being broken hearted. 

Speaking of being broken hearted, I've decided to let myself still be sad on the inside, but it's time to move on. I mean really, it's time to stop dwelling. It's not worth it to be upset over someone who is so mean and insensitive. 

The bits of sadness

I'm a bit surprised with how strong I'm being towards the whole Sunday situation with Richard. Maybe I'm in shock, or maybe I'm really just mostly okay (slash really pissed). 

My heart is broken though. It mended itself really quickly when I got my hopes up about getting back together and then quickly tore itself apart again when Richard rejected any idea of getting back together (even though he suggested it in the first place sort of). 

I miss him a lot. I really wish he was with me tonight, holding me as I fall asleep. I miss waking up to his snapchats and hearing my phone ring once he was done work. 

This is all normal though. These thoughts will grow few and far between and eventually I'll be going to get ready for bed and realize I hadn't thought of Richard once in the day. Until I won't even realize I hadn't thought about him. 

But for now, I have to live with the pain. 

Good friends

If there is one thing in life I have been lucky for, it is good friends. Although I've been super bummed about the whole Richard being a complete butt, I am truly thankful for the friendship I got out of it with his brothers girlfriend. 

After getting crushed again on Sunday, I just immediately called her. Cried, a lot. And we made plans to hang out last night. So, being the wonderful friend she is she drove through awful traffic to come and see me. And it was lovely. She generously brought me books and manga, my stuff that Richard left at her house. It was a nice evening of catching up and I truly love her and hold her so close to my heart. 

Also, I've started reading Howl's Moving Castle (thank you!!!!) and I am so in love with it already. Will I watch the movie when I get home? Yes, probably. 

The 4-1-1

I guess it's time to talk about my date last night. The feared dinner date. Feared because of my irrational fear and discomfort of eating in front of people (mostly guys). 

He picked me up in his truck. He drives kind of fast and it made me uneasy. He's really nice, I can't deny that. But I don't know what it was, it's probably because it was the first date but I'm not sure there were really any sparks. And it makes me sad that he doesn't really get my sarcasm, I mean... Granted, most people don't. But I just kind expect to date someone who gets it or appreciates it. 

Being on the date really made me miss Richard. I hate myself for missing him so much.