Sunday time

It's really easy to pity myself when I'm at my boyfriends. Lately I've just been getting really bitter about how good his life is and how good he's had it growing up. There are so many travel stories being exchanged and photos being looked at. Their fridge is fully stocked and if you're hungry there's food. 

I don't think I'm ever going to have a life like this. It makes me miserable. It makes me depressed. It makes me feel hopeless. 

It's getting harder and harder to justify the good parts of life over the bad. But that's why I'm looking for help right? So a doctor or medicine or something can make me feel numb enough to not care that my life and myself are complete shit. So I won't have bad thoughts and temptations. 

At this point I don't care about anything because everything is falling apart. 

I'm stuck in this inbetween of feeling numb and feeling too much. 

I'm stuck in this inbetween of wanting to live and wanting to die. 

I'm so stuck. I'm so young but I'm so old and I'm so screwed up and I feel like I don't have a chance. I've blown the one I had. I will be poor forever. 

Today is not a good day.