Leaving home

This place feels like my home. It feels so right to be here and everything else seems so wrong. If I didn't have to worry about paying rent weekly and groceries I would come back in a heartbeat. But i know there is a chance that it could run out of money again, and that is no good. 

I wish I stood a chance, or university was cheaper. I miss it so much. 

I got to visit my favourite study spot though. Mel and I went for breakfast. It made me all kinds of happy. 

I saw two of my favourite people at once. They were on my floor in first year, and were both so happy to see me. I got great big hugs. It is always nice to feel wanted and loved. They are really great. 

I could have gone downtown last night, but I just wasn't feeling it. I was exhausted and truthfully, my two girlfriends are single and would probably be going for guys and leaving me to be on the dance floor alone, that is never good for anxiety. 

It was a bittersweet weekend. I was so happy, and it was weird how quickly I fell back into my routine of things. I knew routes and shortcuts to my friends houses, what was new and had changed. Familiar smells filled my nose and it was like no time had really past. 

I wish there was a way to come back this year. 

Reality

Since arriving yesterday, I have felt at home. I ran into several people just randomly, which is something I have missed so much. Last night, I kept thinking to myself 'I just need to apply to osap right now and I'll be okay.' The truth is though, I'm going to inevitably run out of money, get stressed, and fall into depression. There's no doubt about that. So I won't. I will not finish my degree yet. 

It hurts to know if I didn't have the financial limitation I would do well here. In second year, when my dad won his lawsuit and we had money, I was so successful. I did so well. No depression, just the occasional breakdown from stress. But that's normal for a university student. Especially a university student with two ten page research paper on two really hard historical topics (Benedictine influence on early Irish monasticism and I think my other one was something with German history) 

Blog, it's not fair. 

Bittersweet tea

I can't really begin to describe my feelings right now. I am excited. I am so excited. It is as if I have drank champagne and the fizzy bubbles are trying to escape. I am weak at the knees from nerves and sadness. I have this feeling that the moment I step off of my bus and have my university in front of me, I am going to fill with regret and remorse. Is it too late to go back?? I want to cry right now thinking about the old buildings, and the quad. Running into friends on my way to class or the library. I'm going to stay positive though. 

It's going to be bittersweet to visit my favourite bookshop and café, walk the trail I use to go to relax or take photos of. 

Maybe I should just go back. 

But I think I should just look forward. 

Awake before the sun

I'm not going to write a very long post. My ride will be here in half an hour and I'm not out of bed yet. 

I'm proud of myself. I have saved a decent amount of money. I keep telling myself I'm going to buy this, and buy that. But I don't. I keep setting goals and saying 'if you save this much, you can do this.' And I keep pushing it back. 

Realistically, in today's economy, I have pennies. But that's not what matters. 

I need to go through my closet and throw/give away a lot. I have an unnecessary amount of clothing that I don't wear or like. 

I'm going up to school to see all my friends this weekend. I am both excited and nervous. And sad that I will be leaving on Monday. This is for the best though. I failed too many classes and have no direction as far as majoring. 

I think the worst part is just my home life. It definitely adds so much more negativity. But I can't change that part, I have to focus on the part I can and make that the best I can. 

Positive Persistence

Today on my roller coaster of depression, self-doubt, and lack of pizza, I have found myself thinking positively. This is rare and I know it is a temporary state of euphoria. Which is why I am writing this, to remind myself of the positive person that is trying desperately to take control of the reins. 

I've been stressed about the student debt I accumulated (for no reason, negative me always tells downtrodden self) but this morning I woke up and thought 'Hey Ceese (Ceese is what I call myself in third person), you only have two years of osap to pay off. Do you know how lucky that is?' Because even though two years is still a lot of money, plus a bank loan, it isn't as much money as some people have or even if I had done a full five years of university that I was going to be doing. Did osap screw me over this year by rejecting me? Yes. Did they screw me over in the long run by rejecting me which lead me to being poor and worried about money and was a late trigger to my depression which made me drop out and open up new doors? To be determined. Did they save me from borrowing one more years worth of money I don't have? Yes. Thank you osap. 

Am I going to have a luxurious life with an infinite amount of money to spend? No. Can I have a comfortable life with love and friends and family, and maybe some luxurious things? I sure can. I just need to work on it. 

It's a lot tougher, figuring out your life without resources like a car or license, internet, direction and guidance from parents. But it's possible, I need to start extending my boundaries of help-seeking. Maybe one day I should actually ask Richards mom for help, who seems to be a fountain of advice for these situations. 

It's a huge disappointment when I get home after a long day and find my fridge empty and my parents at the bar, and I feel lonely because I have few people to turn to in Brampton. But I have a gym membership which I hope to put to good use, there's a Starbucks not too far of a walk away. I can look into investing in a bike! I have possibilities. I have opportunities. 

I have a life worth living for, I just have to start making it work for me. 

Sunday time

It's really easy to pity myself when I'm at my boyfriends. Lately I've just been getting really bitter about how good his life is and how good he's had it growing up. There are so many travel stories being exchanged and photos being looked at. Their fridge is fully stocked and if you're hungry there's food. 

I don't think I'm ever going to have a life like this. It makes me miserable. It makes me depressed. It makes me feel hopeless. 

It's getting harder and harder to justify the good parts of life over the bad. But that's why I'm looking for help right? So a doctor or medicine or something can make me feel numb enough to not care that my life and myself are complete shit. So I won't have bad thoughts and temptations. 

At this point I don't care about anything because everything is falling apart. 

I'm stuck in this inbetween of feeling numb and feeling too much. 

I'm stuck in this inbetween of wanting to live and wanting to die. 

I'm so stuck. I'm so young but I'm so old and I'm so screwed up and I feel like I don't have a chance. I've blown the one I had. I will be poor forever. 

Today is not a good day. 

Friday travels

The past day has been so hectic. I am visiting Richard because Stuart and Sierra have arrived home from being in Europe for two months. My regular bus route was not running today and so I had to take a new one. It was crazy. The bus didn't take my bus card and I had to walk so far to find money and get change and then walk some more and it was awful. 

I thought I had good travel luck but I didn't today. Sad. But oh well, at least now I have that route figured out! 

I'm exhausted though. I'm probably going to sleep in fifteen minutes once 9pm strikes the clock. 

Last night I finally joined the gym. The trainer was super pushy and if I had not had my confrontational friend been there although now I am sure it will be super awkward whenever I see him. 

I'm looking into out patient services for my depression. Which is really bad again. Super dark place that I am in but I am being smart about it and I have told my best friends where I am at. So that's good. 

I also took my laptop in to get fixed whilst it is still under warranty. The repairs will take about two-three weeks which is sad because the sims 4 is coming out in two. 

This is my life, upset about the sims launch date. But whatever no shame. 

School blues.

It hit me today that in a week I should be leaving for school, that I should be worry about what to pack and how I'll get to school. But I'm not. I'm so unhappy that I won't be returning, that I won't be reuniting with my friends and having people come sit on my bed and talk about the summer. I won't be doing any shoppers drug mart runs with Alex or Alyssa, or decide to get Gino's on my way home from school. 

I don't think anyone can really understand how unhappy I am. How much I think about school and how much I miss it. My friends claim to be able to imagine but it's not the same. I'm so unhappy. 

I hate that depression consumed me and that I failed because of it. That I struggle financially and that gets to me too much. I constantly think about how I could have done so much better if I had only been a tiny bit stronger. What am I doing with my life? I feel like I've messed it up so much. 

I want to cry. I want to be packing for school. I want to be back in second year when I was super happy and doing well, and showing myself I could do it. I want my dad to tell me he can help me and give me money for groceries. 

People don't realize how hard it is to be poor and in university, especially when you can't handle a job. I feel like I could have done so much better. I'm so sad. 

Cleanse.

I haven't posted in a while, mostly because I don't have internet and also because I forgot this existed (might be more this one than the internet excuse) 

I've deleted my Facebook in an attempt to cleanse my life and feel better about myself. I am constantly comparing myself to other people; their accomplishments, their travels, their bodies. The list goes on. The point is, I am consistently beating myself up for not being like the people I see on Facebook. This needs to stop, I am breaking up with Facebook, it is too emotionally abusive. 

Some good news and positive energy is that we recently adopted two kittens! Their names are Pan (right) and Seamus (left). I love them. They are very curious though and my room is far from being kitten safe. They have torn my bookshelf apart, and any tiny receipt-like paper they find and play with it. 

This past weekend I went rock climbing with some of the best people I know and it was a blast! I was proud of myself for fighting back initial fear and reaching the top of the walls. Getting down is the hardest part, especially on the automatic belay because you just drop and have to trust this machine to catch you. I want to do more climbing, there unfortunately isn't one in Brampton. Weeeh. 

Things haven't been super easy lately. I'm miserable at home and work isnt much better. It's really starting to affect me, I'm pretty sure my depression is back and my relationships are suffering from it. I usually don't have motivation to go see friends, my mood swings are worse and even with Richard I can see mysel being terrible and I want to stop but I just become this monster. I cried to him on his bathroom floor, I felt ridiculous and stupid and I hated myself during it. I could hear him being frustrated. He asked if I wanted to breakup, which hurt a lot. I'm sick of being miserable. 

Tonight I am dedicating my thoughts to some probably unhealthy daydreams about being financially stable. I'm also doing some much overdue laundry (seriously my bed sits a top clothes mountain it's ridiculous), and also wondering where my glasses are. My room is such a disaster I have no motivation to look, and I am religiously use the trace-your-steps method but cannot recall at all when I last had them. I hope I haven't lost them. They're a really unique shape. And I can't afford new ones. This is stressing me out. 

To return to happy thoughts, I got a new mug that looks like a potion when you put tea in it. It makes me happy because let's be honest, the Wizarding World is still my happy place.