Christmas was hard this year. I was both happy and sad. I miss the traditions that are dead and I hate the ones we tried to hold onto but didn't quite work out. Lots of bittersweet moments today. 

I'm so tired

The last day of November

Wanted to take a day that wasn’t a bell thing to talk about this. A lot of people who know me, or follow me on other social Medias may know that I’m pretty open about suffering from depression and anxiety, and other forms of mental health that come associated with those two things. I think what a lot of people don’t know, especially if you’ve never suffered from it, is how tired I am. I’m tired of having this disability, and I’m tired physically and mentally. I’ve destroyed friendships, relationships, and severely damaged my academic life several times since middle school. I’ve watched people I love get mad at me because they can’t help me or can’t figure out why they’re not able to save me. I’ve literally watched myself deteriorate and lose all rationality for things. I want to be able to message someone like I would with a cold and say “Hey, I’m really not feeling that well today” Without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I want you to know that if you’ve ever been a friend with someone that suffers from this, that you’re doing the best you can. That it’s not on you, and that even by being in that presence you’re doing good. And believe me when I say that they probably feel guilty that they’re not giving you everything you deserve as a friend, and that they can’t wait for the day that they can. If they can. A big special shoutout to all my friends and family who have been there through really hard phases with me. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you doubt your worth and presence in my life. I love you. And to everyone dealing with similar things to me, you are loved. 

It's been a rainy weekend, and I've been perfectly happy with that. The air is cooler, the days are darker and I can hear the drumming of the rain on my roof. It's really a beautiful time of year, and everything is beginning to feel autumnal.

I spent a lot of yesterday in bed, watching Harry Potter and youtube videos. Later in the afternoon, Richard and I went to a little festival our neighbourhood was putting on where we saw Steven Page play. I ran into a friend that I grew up with who was also there because her band was playing. We watched her for a while until the rain got too hard and the cold settled too deeply into our bones.

I fell asleep during Monty Python, which I feel bad about but lately it's been hard for me to stay up past 9:30. I wake early and I'm fairly active, especially with school back.

School has been good, it was scary and overwhelming at first but I feel like I'm getting back into the swing of it, despite it only being a week. I've been worried about making friends and it has proven difficult, I'm also still sort of ensure how and when I will make more, but so far I've made a solid three.

For the most part I haven't clicked with anyone in my program until the other day, when I met a girl named Sarah. She's very nice and I enjoy her company. She jumped right into the friendship and skipped a lot of the awkward build up of getting facebook info/phone number kind of thing. She's also 21 so.. not a fetus. Much appreciated.

I don't have class until six tomorrow which gives me a lot of time in the day to do errands, and then mosey on to my 6-9 class. Long night! But I'm sure it will be okay, my friend Drue is in the class with me which will be a lot more tolerable.

I'm really happy with where my life is right now.

I just posted about a stupid home phone number and then I found out Bhaarti's mom died and I just feel bad for everything. Bad evening. 

My dad got rid of our home phone number and I'm strangely upset about it. I just want to sit in the dark and cry. 

I got a job!! I'm so happy. I've always wanted to work at Starbucks because I love the atmosphere and I've always felt like I would be a good addition to it. 

I just went in today to drop off my hours of availability sheet and the staff were so nice. One of them even goes to Sheridan so maybe we can be friends!! 

I can't wait to start. 

I went to the ex last night but I'm going to do a separate post on it. 

Instead I'm going to relay a funny story from last night after the ex. 

My wonderful, gracious boyfriend offered to pick me up and drive me home from the go station since I was getting home late. He had been stayed with me for Friday night and Saturday since all my roommates were away. When we pulled up, it was clear I was the only one still home for the night. He couldn't sleep over again due to studying and also lack of parking. I assured him I would be fine and off we went apart. 

I was doing really well. I was in a great mood. But then the cats started making a lot of noise that sounded like scary noises. I texted Richard to tell that the cats make it sound like someone is breaking in. 

I guess I then fell asleep. 

So five text messages and fourteen missed calls all of which I'm blissfully unaware of, I wake up to my front door opening and my body goes cold. I'm shaking. I'm actually getting robbed. Or killed. After a few very, very long seconds I hear Richard call my name. 

He drove over to make sure I was okay. And then I slept over at his house. 

It was so cute but I felt so bad I actu cried. 

He's a wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. 

Good day

Well,

I'm going to be honest... This day started off really low. I went to sleep in a sort of panic-attack state because I felt lonely. It's hard to grasp that I'm in this city and don't know more than five people that live here. 

The morning brought some panicky feelings as well, but it improved a lot. I visited this cute boutique that is a mixture of vintage and also does neat things like knitting for beginners for adults, and it's awesome. The place also sells artwork by the owner or other local illustrators. I talked to the owner for a while and she's really cool. I ended up purchasing a print that the owner did that I will insert here:

It's quite a pricey little shop, though. 

Despite feeling like I haven't accomplished much and my past little week has been empty, I've actually done a decent amount. I've bonded with my roommates, made some nice dinners, and gone exploring in and around the area, and also Hamilton with one of my good friend, and former roommate, Alyssa.

I received my temporary schedule today and it's decent. I have Monday off right now and Friday is packed but I'll have to move stuff around to do conflicting class. I have to choose my electives still... I don't really understand college course selection at all.

Some photos of dinners:

My exploration:

I really like the photo of Richard and I, but I also look at myself and see gigantic legs. Sigh. I wish I was just naturally a toothpick. 

I need to start really working out again. I want to be down ten pounds by the end of the summer.. and if anything I've just gained.

I wanted to go to the gym but I can't find my lock. I feel so unproductive and lost today. I don't know this area.. I don't know where things are and how to get there.

I'm so lonely. I just want to cry.

I can't remember the last time I made a post that had actual quality content.

A lot has happened. My life has had this odd balance of chaos and order. I've had trouble not isolating myself from people, and I'm finding it difficult to mend what I broke.

I moved last week to a place that I haven't really been able to make it seem like home, and that scares me. I wish it felt natural. I know I felt like this when I first moved to the Ward house in second year, I remember it felt as awkward as I'm sure taking your first steps does, but I wish the process would hurry.

I am happy though. I'm mostly just scared and nervous which I know I'm confusing for sadness. Which also sounds like denial, but I promise I'm fine.

I'm just tired right now. My depression is definitely back. I feel pretty hopeless and I'm stressed. It's so hard to find a new job. 

Had a really nice, relaxing weekend. 

I switched shifts with my coworker on Friday so I worked until two so I wouldn't get to Richards super late at night. 

Although one my buses was super late and stuck in really heavy traffic, I still got there at a reasonable time. We basically just cuddled and binged house of cards. It was nice. 

Saturday morning was relaxing as well, we both just sat around the pool and tanned before going to a pool party at a friends house. 

One of Richards best friends came up from Ottawa for the weekend. He's really nice. 

The party was a lot of fun. It was to celebrate Lauryn and her brother graduating from university. There was a lot of good snack foods, and good music. Lauryn's family heats their pool, which some people don't love (Richard) but I LOVE heated pools. I don't like cold water. The party started really early, and we got there right at 2, so by 10:30 a few of us were partied out. I hit my head at some point in the pool and was taking Tylenol - which makes me sleepy. 

Richard, Richard, Matt, Hanna and I all left and went back to Richards to marathon Cowboy Beebop. I don't think I made it through one episode before going to sleep. 

Spent Sunday morning also exclusively relaxing. Matt came upstairs at stolen 12 I think and we put cowboy Beebop on. Only downside was we weren't expecting Richards parents to be home until 7 but alas, they were home at 3. 

His parents brought a lot of tension and we almost didn't stay for dinner because we were both upset about things. But we did. 

I was feeling pretty emotional and needy so I stayed over at Richards. Which I don't regret. There's nothing I love more than falling asleep beside that man and waking up next to him. 

The next little part is super cheesy but at one point I woke up at around 5:30 and the sun was still pretty golden, and it was streaming in through the window. I was the little spoon and super close to Rihard and all I could see was our hands holding as he breathes heavily and it's lame and cheesy but it's just those little moments that really make a day great. 

Here are some fun photos:

Things are getting worse. I'm so unhappy at work, and I'm so unhappy at home. I can't afford to leave.

Our washing machine broke. Which means I'll probably have to go to laundry mats or something. We can't afford a new one, and we can't afford to get it fixed.

It's so hard. I don't know if people get that. How hard it is. I mean, I know there are people who do. But it always seems like I'm alone.

I just keep wishing things will get better, that we'll get lucky. But we never do.

Struggling with both home and work life. I'm miserable in both places. Feels as if my depression is back and I have a ton of anxiety. 

I've decided I'm going to take osap out so that I can move out in September. Hopefully it works out. 

I spent the weekend working, and partying. The worst part about the Satursay shift is it really makes the weekend feel incredibly short. However, I managed to still make the most of it. 

Friday I went to the mall with Richard and bought a dress for the classy themed party we were both attending. 

I found a dress, but most importantly, I found a place that makes delicious burgers. I love burgers. I could probably eat hamburgers every day and not get sick of them. 

The party was fun!!! Had a great time and everyone looked fantastic. Here are some photos:

My weekend.

It was short and went by too quickly, but it was wonderful none-the-less.

Friday night I went to a local pub with some friends from work, and I had a few vodka crans and a shot of vodka. I am responsible and know my pace and limit and didn't get too drunk though.

I worked Saturday morning which blows because the five hour shift really cuts into the weekend and makes it significantly shorter.

Richard picked me up from work and we decided to go to Playdium. It was really fun at first but there were probably two things I thoroughly enjoyed which was Time Crisis 3 and air hockey. So, it got pretty boring rather quickly and we were there for probably two and a half hours. Still, it was a good experience.

The rest of the day was spent watching television and movies while the rain poured down. I love it when it rains, it makes snuggling on the couch so much better. And I also don't feel guilty for doing it. We decided to get Swiss Chalet for dinner which I had no regrets about. It was delicious. We watched Jurassic Park and I told Richard I love him.

It's been running through my mind for a while now, and by that I mean since January, but I mean the urge to say it. I just really appreciate him and I love him and spending time with him. I just couldn't wait any longer. But it was really scary. I don't know, even though we used to say it all the time this second chance at a relationship feels different. Because it is. I was afraid he wouldn't say it back. He did, obviously.

He said it again when we were settling in for bed, said "I love you. I love you so much." Which was nice.

Today we did what we did yesterday, which was spent all day watching television.

I just had a nice, relaxing weekend.

Took some pre-sleep selfies 

Also did a Zumba class tonight. It was so hard really great!! It was hard to keep up with the instructor. His moves were very hip hop dance-oriented. A lot of SOCA music and belly/butt shaking. 

I only did fifteen minutes of my half an hour yoga because I was so tired. 

I really just want to lose 15-20 pounds. Sigh. 

Had a good day though. :) really happy. 

This past weekend was really fun. For Lo's birthday we went axe throwing and had a BBQ. Here are some photos from that 

Today, I went to yoga for the first time. It was very relaxing and at times challenging which I enjoyed. I'm going pole dancing tomorrow, so all in all a fairly active two days are to be had. I'm hoping to keep up the physical activity. Get in shape and whatnot. 

Home is really hard.

It's also really hard talking to my friends about anything in general. Most of them have really good lives and I get jealous and mad. The other day I literally left a hangout because everyone was talking about the G tests and I was just there like "I have no car. My family has no driveable car. My license literally expired." It really fucking sucks being poor.

It's also hard to like, listen to people complain without getting jealous/angry? Which is incredibly unsympathetic of me but... I don't know. I'm sick of being the only one who hasn't traveled anywhere, I'm sick of not having any help with my debt or financial struggle and being the one helping my parents with theirs, and I hate that my jealousy is there. I hate that I'm worried about school in September solely because of financial struggle, which is the only struggle that impedes me academically it seems. I don't want to work, and if I do I don't want to live at home and go to school because as selfish as it is - I know that I'm going to help my dad somehow and it's going to stress me out even more.

I like my life, I really do. I think I'm lucky in many ways but my life is also just super shit in a lot of other ones. I'm angry all the time when I'm home because my house is falling apart and it smells like pee all the time because my dog is left alone for so many hours of the day that he pees in the house. We have bills we're struggling to pay, my room is cramped and small and I can't afford to make it how I want it to be which depresses me. I work so much and I'm so tired and so is my brother and my dad. If I'm not angry, I'm depressed. I'm taking this out on my dad most of the time which isn't fair.

I'm just unhappy at home. I wish I could leave but again... can't afford that.

from tumblr

Honestly... I'm not really okay? Home is depressing and it's hard. I just want to get out. We are fucked and I don't think things are ever going to be okay or comfortable. 

And I don't know how I'll ever be free of it. 

Helped Richard move out of his apartment. Wasn't going to initially but he asked and I'm a nice girlfriend. 

Spent the first half of Saturday working and the second half moving. My body aches and I'm tired and I have a headache. Not looking forward to the next week of work. I really just want time off. 

Today we mostly relaxed. I can never really relax relax at his parents house though. I always feel guilty and like I'm doing something wrong. Something I really dislike about going there is how much Susan enlists us to do things. Like walk the dog or do something in the garden or other things. And it's not even just one of those items. It's usually all. 

I'm all for being helpful but it's my weekend and I would like to relax  

Something productive I did today was save a bird. It was trapped in the pole of their canopy thing they keep on the deck. In guess it had flown in from the top of it. But we all worked together and set it free. 

 I'm exhausted now. 

Goodnight. 

Here is a mini rant. 

I don't think I'm hipster. I think I like fashion and put more effort into how I look and dress and that is somehow translated to hipster? 

I feel so overwhelmed in a way. It's easy to be social in the winter because everyone was usually in one place and it was cold and you sort of had the hibernation excuse. Working 9-6 sucks because most of my evening is done by the time I get to my final stop. I have to prioritize one thing and sacrifice anything else I had to do, like laundry or grocery shopping. I'm going to be starting the 7-4 again soon which will suck for the early morning but be so wonderful for the after. 

I had planned to go home and do some laundry and just really chill. Sit in my bed and watch YouTube videos. But then Leighanna and Caroline wanted to hang out, which was fun for the most part but left me with no time to do anything. 

I'm just really bad at being social right now. By the time I'm done work I don't want to do anything. I went to a party on tuesday and I used a lot of energy to really be outgoing and charismatic. 

I had a great weekend and I am sad to see it go. I want to have one more day of being lazy. Sigh. 

Friday started off with me sleeping over at Richard's. We had planned a hang out with our friends, Grant and Kathleen. Grant is in Richard's program and Kathleen is his girlfriend. They're really awesome people and we all get along really well. Kathleen and I had heart-to-heart bonding moments. 

We all stayed out till about 12/1ish and then went back to the apartment. It was so past my bedtime and I was exhausted, I ended up falling asleep in Richard's lap. 

The next morning we got up early and drove to the beach. The day was beautiful!! Sky was blue, it was warm with a bit of a breeze and everyone just seemed happy. We walked on sand, sat at a bench and then walked around. We found this one spot that had a spot of sand in the water and then rocks everywhere else and it created a beautiful aesthetic. 

Here are some pictures from the beach. 

We went for slushies and then decided to go to ikea

On our way to ikea Richard suddenly said 'we should go to Niagara Falls. We're basically there.' 

So this happened 

And finally, to make a full day even fuller we decided to go and see Sierra and Stuart. At that point my phone was dead so I got no photos, but we went for dinner at a really delicious restaurant. 

I felt bad because I was so tired by the end of the day I don't think I was much fun. I will go another time soon and make up for it. I'm glad I got to see Sierra, even if briefly, and even if I was falling asleep.