A scary update is that today I felt so low that when I looked over at my dresser and saw my bottle of pills on it, the bottle stood out from everything else as if it was a skyscraper among small houses. For a split second, my eyes seemed to focus so hard on them that it was like I had developed an optical zoom like a camera lens. For a millisecond, my pills had a voice that called

"Take us. Take us all."

I haven't really felt suicidal in a long time. For the most part, my anxieties have been okay and not overwhelming. I think it is because I messed up my birth control and now have my period earlier than I was supposed to - my hormones are probably messing with me a lot.

Even though I haven't been suicidal, I've been tempted to cut a lot more lately. When I say a lot more, I just mean in comparison to the last couple of months where the desire to do that has been very rare, if at all in my mind. Perhaps it's just this time of year, because Christmas just always makes me sad. I know that it makes my parents sad too, and that makes me even sadder than I already am this time of year.
We had a tree though, and some gifts under it. I remember last year when we didn't have any gifts because our poverty level was strong. It was tough getting asked what presents I got by so many different people and having to lie.
My mom and dad got me a sweater and some socks and underwear. I wish they hadn't, I know that that was a stretch for them and they probably had to scrimp to do it.

I just feel like there is this dark cloud over me today. I want to cry. It's the lowest I've felt in a long time.. I'm not really sure what triggered it. One moment I was fine, and the next I wasn't. Everything got to me, and even though I feel pretty awful still, I do feel much better. I kind of regret deleting Richard off of snapchat... that was so rash of me. But probably ultimately for the best, right?

Life is just so hard. It's hard. And I feel like I am fucking it up all the time and I've spent so much money irrationally because I wanted to feel good and have pretty clothes. This is so stupid of me. I can feel myself circling around in these thoughts of sorrow and self-loathe and it travels in rapid brainwaves all the way to my wrists where my veins pulsate and even though I never have cut my wrist it's still where the urge gathers like a bomb that ticks and wants to explode.

I'm one of those people that is making no real difference. If I hadn't been born, or chosen to practically not exist I don't think it would cause any riff. I'm a pretty shit friend most of the time, and I'm so selfish and absorbed in myself. I don't volunteer or do anything particularly nice in a pay-it-forward way. I'm just sort of existing. I'm grey in a world of grey. I'm not a colour. I'm a shade. I'm stuck in shade, in darkness.

I don't know right now.
I know this is just a moment of weakness. I know I'll be better tomorrow, or in a few days.

But I'm so alone right now.

Curse my whims

UUUUUUUUUUUGHHH HAD THE BIGGEST, STUPIDEST MOMENT OF WEAKNESS WHERE I TOLD RICHARD I'M DELETING HIM OFF SNAPCHAT BECAUSE IT MADE ME MISS HIM AND THEN I DELETED HIM AND NOW I REGRET EVERYTHING I'M THE WORST WHY DO I DO THIS

im going to go cry

Starting a new workout program. Hoping to lose 10-15 pounds. 

I know it sounds crazy because of how small I am, but I have a lot of chub and excess fat in places and I'm not happy about it. 

Here is my before photo:

My workout buddy told me to take it and flex in it. I realized I don't know how to do a good flex photo. So this happened. Awkward. 

Photos of late

Here are some photos from the past little while that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside 

Family(Not Mine) Christmas

Well, I had a lovely weekend. My friend invited me to her family Christmas, which I obviously couldn't object because I love her family. It was a hoot! Most of the people there are 80+ and we play cards and it's just a really good time. Around dinnertime, her aunt and uncle arrive with her two cousins. This is the routine, from what I've heard, and also experienced at Thanksgiving.

I've been wanting to write but I feel slightly unmotivated to. I just don't feel like my life has been super exciting lately. Also I think I am the worst at retelling moments. 

Life on the Outside

The strangest thing happened today. I was talking to my friend Taylor about life and whatnot, and he made a comment about being jealous of my life which was what I thought in reference to my owning cats. He really wants a cat. I told him he would get a cat one day. He proceeded to tell me that wasn't the only aspect of my life he was jealous of and interested in, but it was the fact that I had three pets, a job, time to do things I enjoyed rather than studying and being in a program I detested. This information was quite the reality shock for me. I had never stopped to think that my life would be something of desire to people, especially because I'm too friendly with the flaws in it. What really caught me off guard though was that I didn't disagree, I didn't protest that my life wasn't as great as it seemed - because truthfully, I think I have a wonderful life. It's not perfect, and I know it never will be, but I'm just really happy with how it is and where it's going. I'm constantly making mistakes and thinking "Maybe that wasn't the best" but that's normal. I think everyone has that. I actually agreed - I think I have a good enough life to be jealous of. I love the person I am, I love the people I am surrounded by, and I just appreciate life. A lot.

And that just made me even happier than I usually am. And I'm pretty happy most of the time - even if I'm grumpy or I'm stressed and even feeling sad - it's always sort of carried by happiness. If that makes sense? The happiness is always there, kind of like how the sadness was always there.

I don't know. But everything is coming up Milhouse.

Ps here is my nightly selfie because apparently I am just incredibly narcissistic right before bed.

**Also I weigh 124 pounds. I've lost about six pounds about I'm super happy about it. Although I don't think it's super noticeable... sigh. My goal truthfully is to be 115 pounds. Here's hoping.

*** Starting catcher in the rye and i've never read it which i'm embarrassed about but whatever..

It's been a weird week. Friday was probably the worst of it. Everything seemed to go wrong and the last thing to get hit with was that Hanna and Richard kissed one night recently. They both regretted it apparently and Hanna feels really bad about it. I thought I would be more upset, and I was at first but I think it was the whole day combined that made me upset.

I woke up Saturday morning and found that I didn't care. Leighanna basically told me I shouldn't talk to her anymore but why would I fault our friendship for one mistake when there's been so many other great moments?

I went to Aurora on Saturday and hung out with Hanna, Lauryn, Chris and Richard W. Richard W. was hesitant to come to the hangout because he deleted me off facebook and thought it would be weird but it was actually really nice to see him and catch up and be apart of that again.

It made me miss Richard a bit but I really am confident this is the best for both of us. Hopefully we can eventually be okay to be friends.

I spent all of today cleaning my room and now I'm exhausted and starving. I've had soup, a sandwich and crackers and I could still eat more but I am waiting for dinner.

I should have written this post sooner... I am too tired now.

1 0 0

So I have pretty much butchered my hair. I tried to ombre it last night and kind of rushed because my impatient but lovely best friend was over and let me be honest it came out to be quite shit. It's basically just a blonde with red hue (not strawberry - doesn't really look red but you know) and also lots of dead. My hair is dead. If I was having second thoughts about cutting my hair, which I was, I don't really have a choice now.

Leighanna came over last night, clearly as mentioned above, and we watched She's the Man and The Proposal. I was super tired and we stayed up quite late but it was nice to just do something relaxing like that.

This is my 100th blogpost. That's cool, I usually never stay this interested in a blog so I'm patting myself on the shoulder!