Sometimes words are hard.

To be honest, I don’t know what to say right now. All I know is that I have to try and say something because these past few hours have completely escaped me and I have a feeling that despite being incredibly tired it is going to be a sleepless night. I’m feeling nauseous and because I feel so low I almost believe I can understand the logic behind bulimia – I wonder if it feels like your problems rise up with your vomit and for a temporary second, you can just flush them down the toilet. That’s how I feel right now. I believe that is why I’m nauseous, because I have hopes that my problems and concerns will be able to just get flushed.

I’m not bulimic though, I don’t think I have the confidence or the conscience to do it ever. Or the mindset. I’m pretty sure it’s a thinking disorder, if I remember correctly. I feel awkward even bringing up the topic of bulimia and using it to reference how I’m feeling right now. It’s a serious subject and I sincerely wish people didn’t suffer from it.

I’m not sure why I am feeling so low right now. I have felt great the past week. My head felt clear again and I was starting to think positively again. It’s funny how the spirit queen suffers from severe depression. The medication I’m on won’t kick in for a few weeks though, so I think my highs and lows in mood will be consistent for a little while longer and I don’t have to worry too much about it. However, I’m starting to develop methods of getting out of the mood shifts. For a really long time now I have described my mind during my low periods as being incredibly foggy, like when I’m trying to find the thing I want to say it’s as if I’m just reaching blindly into some thick haze and just pulling nothing out from it. I’ve been trying to shit that fog into just being an obstacle on a path and trying to figure out how to manoeuvre away from the obstacle. I’m not sure if that makes sense but it is how I’m trying to deal with it. If depression is just a thinking disorder, maybe I can counter-act it with more thinking.

This wasn't a very good post and I'm just there's a lot wrong with it but I just needed to write to keep track of how I'm feeling and to try and get out of the mindset I've been in.

Here's to a better tomorrow.