Lots of change.

Oh goodness, it’s almost one in the morning but I feel such a need to write.  The past few days have been amazing and hectic and a bit overwhelming in the most positive and negative way. I’m going to backtrack all the way to Wednesday night though.

Wednesday has been a particular night that I had been looking forward to because of an Ugly Christmas Sweater party being thrown. I usually dislike parties because of my social anxiety, I just find them overwhelming and loud and just not a good time. However, I had an absolute blast at this one. Although it did get overwhelming at certain points, it’s always nice to be with the people who were there. I particularly miss Michael, I wish we still lived together. He’s a really good friend and incredibly easy to talk to and we both relate in a lot of ways to each other. He has always been really supportive and there for me, and I miss being able to walk up the stairs to see him. I didn’t leave too late, I think it was around 12-12:30 but I was exhausted. I was looking forward to a nice morning dedicated solely to sleeping in until I remembered I had an early appointment with the disability services.

Thursday morning brought a lot of unexpected change into my life. I didn’t exactly know what to expect walking into that office and the plan I’d created in my head shifted drastically. Essentially, I’ve dropped out of school. After a long session and a lot of discussion, the conclusion was reached that due to my health and the previous months, it would be best for me to just apply for a withdrawal from my classes this term and then take time off until September. I’m mostly okay with this decision, it is a bit upsetting just considering that I was getting really good grades so far on the assignments I had managed to do. In particular, I found out I got an 87 on a geography project and I did not expect to do that well on it at all. It’s disappointing knowing that I got those marks and now they’re gone. I’m extremely sad that I couldn’t manage it, but I know getting better is more of a priority. At least now I have proved to myself that I can do that. I felt very grownup Thursday morning, shifting from the disability office to the academic office to figure out my situation and then taking it upon myself to sort out what will happen with my financial loans and whatnot. I just need to find a job now that’s more full-time and I’ll be set. I’ve yet to tell the parentals about it, but I’m going home tomorrow and will tell them about it on Sunday when I see them.

Tonight was really nice though, I ran some necessary errands and then came home and watched Gossip Girl for a little while. We took Alex to get her ears pierced and then we all had a girl’s night with Lauryn and Danielle. The night consisted of a lot of junk food, nail painting, cosmo reading, gossiping and movie watching. I’m in a great mood and a really good place.

I’m very thankful to be where I am right now. I have no regrets about my current situation. I know that everything is going to work out as long as I work for it.

I love my friends very much and I’m happy that tonight was able to happen, I’m so appreciative to be surrounded by laughter and love. As cheesy as that is. Yolo.

I’ve told Richard that I don’t want to text as much and just have more phone calls throughout the week. I hate texting, it’s such an awful form of communication. I hope it works out, I don’t want it to be an excuse to lose contact but I think that shows just how dependent I’ve become on texting. It’s not the sole form of communication, nor is it the only way a relationship can last. It’s stupid and I just don’t like it very much.

Tomorrow I’m going home to be with Caroline and Leighanna to celebrate Leigh’s birthday. I’m really excited because I’ve missed them both very much. It’ll be nice to just be together again.. I feel like it’s been ages. I don’t remember the last time we were together! 

Anyway, super tired. Time to get some sleep finally.

Gerrlsz Nite

I just had a really wonderful night. The original plan was to have a Christmas themed movie night. Lauryn was going to come over and we (Myself, Melissa, Alex and potentially Alyssa) were going to snuggled up and pig out on an assortment of junk food. Shortly before Lauryn arrived, Melissa had decided to just spontaneously start playing around with makeup. I joined her instantly and Lauryn couldn’t deny the fun we were having with it when she got here. When Alex showed up, we forced her to join in on the makeover shenanigans.

The thing is, even though we live a ten minute walk from Lauryn, she’s still considered really far because she lives outside our neighbourhood bubble and is completely out of the way of everything so we honestly rarely ever see her anymore, plus we’re all so busy. We quickly opted out of watching a movie and just decided to make this a classic girl’s night and painted our nails and caught up on all the latest juicy gossip. The juicy gossip being how school was going because even though we’re all twenty (Minus Melissa… one more month though!) we all feel like the elderly because we never do anything anymore.

I think it was such a good night because typically it’s what Caroline, Leighanna and I do a lot of the time so it just feels natural to me. We don’t often have girl’s nights here because everyone has such different schedules and workloads, so I really appreciated tonight and decided I should write about it. However, Corbin came over to talk to Melissa so after she left Lauryn, Alex and I just watched bloopers from The Office and my cheeks are still hurting from laughing so hard. I’m really happy right now, I just want to smile but like I said – cheeks are hurting.

Tonight was just really special to me and I think I just really needed it. There’s just a certain level of normalcy to a night like this, as I mentioned previously. I’m really, really excited for winter break to come. As much as I love being away from home, I miss my best friends terribly.

This post seems everywhere but I’m actually just so exhausted I can barely think straight. I just wanted to record it before I forgot everything and got too lazy to write about it.

It’s weird but the past few hours already feel like a blur, but I still feel warm from it if that makes sense. I just have comfort knowing that tonight was filled with happiness and laughter and I genuinely had a good time. As much pain and unhappiness university has caused me, I know that I have no regrets and that I was supposed to be here at least to meet the people that are now in my life. 

Sometimes words are hard.

To be honest, I don’t know what to say right now. All I know is that I have to try and say something because these past few hours have completely escaped me and I have a feeling that despite being incredibly tired it is going to be a sleepless night. I’m feeling nauseous and because I feel so low I almost believe I can understand the logic behind bulimia – I wonder if it feels like your problems rise up with your vomit and for a temporary second, you can just flush them down the toilet. That’s how I feel right now. I believe that is why I’m nauseous, because I have hopes that my problems and concerns will be able to just get flushed.

I’m not bulimic though, I don’t think I have the confidence or the conscience to do it ever. Or the mindset. I’m pretty sure it’s a thinking disorder, if I remember correctly. I feel awkward even bringing up the topic of bulimia and using it to reference how I’m feeling right now. It’s a serious subject and I sincerely wish people didn’t suffer from it.

I’m not sure why I am feeling so low right now. I have felt great the past week. My head felt clear again and I was starting to think positively again. It’s funny how the spirit queen suffers from severe depression. The medication I’m on won’t kick in for a few weeks though, so I think my highs and lows in mood will be consistent for a little while longer and I don’t have to worry too much about it. However, I’m starting to develop methods of getting out of the mood shifts. For a really long time now I have described my mind during my low periods as being incredibly foggy, like when I’m trying to find the thing I want to say it’s as if I’m just reaching blindly into some thick haze and just pulling nothing out from it. I’ve been trying to shit that fog into just being an obstacle on a path and trying to figure out how to manoeuvre away from the obstacle. I’m not sure if that makes sense but it is how I’m trying to deal with it. If depression is just a thinking disorder, maybe I can counter-act it with more thinking.

This wasn't a very good post and I'm just there's a lot wrong with it but I just needed to write to keep track of how I'm feeling and to try and get out of the mindset I've been in.

Here's to a better tomorrow. 

But I live in the Great Big North?!?!

This morning I left my house to discover that winter had left its territorial mark against the other seasons. My obligation to walk to school after my bike had been covered with snow, I found myself not actually detesting the snow. It was really serene the way the snow had accented the branches of trees and left soft powder on the ground. Every year as it gets colder and I am threatened by snow on the various weather networks my heart shrinks two sizes smaller towards the thought of this awful season. I thought maybe I could be changing, but then as the day grew later and I walked home I was again reminded why I hated it. The only appeal of winter is the first, light snowfall onto a blank slate. Anything after is not my favourite. The snow melts and makes everything damp and colder, slush begins to form and salt ruins my shoes. I wish I wasn’t such a negative Nancy towards this because as a Canadian I should be into this season, right? I live in the Great Big North. Something is wrong with me, obviously I have been living through an identity crisis these past years. Or maybe I should just aspire to move somewhere warmer.

Hm, when I thought about writing this entry earlier I didn’t quite plan to be so aggressive about my feeling towards the winter wonderland I’m currently stuck in. But que sera sera.

On a more positive note, I’ve been feeling really good these past few days about everything. There are still some things I’m stressed about, like financial stuff. Actually, mainly that. But I have faith that everything is going to work out. Ultimately, I know that taking the next year off is going to be really helpful to me. I’m starting to plan to plan over the break and see what I have to do and what I can do. I really just need to do some exploring. It’s sad that so many people, including myself, fall prey to the stigma that you have to have everything figured out by the time you’re twenty-two. Realistically, at this point in time with how the world is going, you really don’t. Although I can’t argue that education does help to provide the opportunity to have a better future, it does not guarantee that. I also think that an important thing to remember that if I don’t have stability in my happiness, I’m never going to have stability in my life no matter what I am doing. Who knows really? Maybe in the next year I’ll become a famous travel blogger after spontaneously cashing out my savings and taking a trip to Europe, or I’ll finally have a coherent stream of thoughts long enough to think of a story like I could in high school. Maybe neither of those things will happen, and my life will take me to places I never expected. Planning is pointless. What I need to plan for is to have the confidence to be able to handle anything that is thrown at me and turn into something great. That is really how I will gain achievement.

Today I am thankful for the following:

Family

Friends

The ability to grow

Blankets

Netflix

Laughter

Things to look to forward to in life.

And on that note, it is bedtime.

P.s. I’ve been watching so much Gossip Girl in the past week (Finished two seasons and already watched three of season three) that it’s hard not to think in Kristen Bell’s voice. It’s fun and I definitely feel more devious than usual, but it might be a sign that I have a problem.

Xoxo Gossip Girl. 

Starting January.

Here’s the thing – I’m definitely not the New Year’s resolutions type of girl. Not only do I forget that I’ve even made resolutions until March, but I think that it’s just an inevitable way of finding a way out of the change you want to make in your life. It doesn’t feed motivation, it generates excuse. However, this January is potentially going to be very different in contrast to prior years. I associate January with cold weather and the return of school term after a much too short break. This year though I may not be back at school. I have spent the past two and a half years dragging my heels through severe depression, anxiety and social anxiety to achieve a hopeful future. Reality check though, you can’t achieve anything if you fail. Dropping out for a year or two doesn’t constitute a fail either. It just creates a chance to find new direction and happiness. It’s taking me these long two years to figure that out. Maybe the reason I don’t know what I want is because I’ve never seen what I can have. I’ve grown up envious of my friends who have parents that can support them financially, friends who have are able to bring home friends without worry because they’re parents will be sober at 3:30. But this is all I know, really. I just know the bright side of suburban living and the shadier side of life. Nothing beyond that.

[Before I continue my ode to the heart’s desire to see the world, I’d like to put out a disclaimer that when it comes down to it, I would never trade my family or my experiences in for anything.]

As cliché sounding as it is to imagine myself going soul searching, I think that’s what I need to do. I need to find out what I’m capable of and what I really want. I think many people would argue that I haven’t been spoiled, given my past, but truthfully I have. My parents have given me everything they have when they can and have gotten me out of jams when they couldn’t really afford it. To be honest, my angst usually spits all that right in their face in large, ungrateful ways. I often wish I wasn’t like that, and my conscious is sincerely filled with regret. I wish I could change, and sometimes I try. But truthfully, I’m too bitter from the jealousy I’ve gained over other people’s lives and some of the truly bad things I’ve endured growing up. Which makes me feel and sound terrible. Perhaps this is my biggest shame.

I don’t want to be living in a romanticized idea of how perfectly the next year or two will work out though, obviously I’m not going to be able to move into my own apartment or travel the world. I’m going to have to get a job and work for those things, while making small changes to my life along the way. I want to read and write more and really focus of my artistic outlets. It would be really sweet if I could think coherently long enough to think of a story. I refuse to believe that my writing well is all dried up. Things won’t be easy, and I can’t expect everything to be fixed with a few pills and a few days, it’s going to be a process. Hopefully I can do it though.

In most young adult movies, shows and books there’s always that one friend who is poor with problems at home. It crushed me when I realized that that was my role in the story. Someone recently reminded me though that a lot of the time, that character goes on to better things. I had my doubts at first, but I’m starting to really believe in that part.

To introduce myself, I guess I will begin by saying that my name is Courtney but everybody calls me ‘CC.’ Recently, actually yesterday, I was pretty much diagnosed with severe depression. Please note that when I was ten and daydreaming about my twenties, this was not the reality I had in mind. Clearly however, it is nobody’s desired reality. Unfortunately though, it is was I have to deal with for the time being. I am a complete nutcase for all things cats, carpets and the letter ‘C’. Kidding, not actually weirdly obsessed with things that start with that particular letter, it just seemed to be a trend I wanted to joke about. Mission success? Probably not, I am not as funny through text (or speech) as I like to believe. Seriously though, I do not think people understand how badly I want to own a comfy rug of some sort to put in my humble abode. Unfortunately, due to my current living situation which is bombarded with blue carpet, I have yet to be able to satisfy that particular need. But, one day.

As per usual, I am making this blog to challenge myself. This is always the reasoning behind the birth of my blogs, I am sick of being lazy or not writing as much as I would like to and so I create a blog or purchase a new journal in hopes that I will be like Carrie Bradshaw.

Is it not awful how the moment I have the intent to write, I open first my Microsoft word and second, my internet social media devices. “I will only be on a quick second” I say to myself more often than not and before I know it, I have completely disregarded the intent to write and get my brain stimulated because I am so sucked into the same repetitive news on Facebook. The most pathetic thing is often I am just recycling the same posts I read an hour previous, because I have noticed it is a new trend to not post on Facebook to make it appear as if the addiction to the book is no longer existent in our culture when it so evidently is.

When I think about leaving school, I have all these ideas of what I am going to do with my life. Save money, work on my wardrobe (one of the more materialistic goals in mind) and maybe even travel somewhere by the end of 2014. Keep in mind, what I am about to say is not intended to be pessimistic by any means but I wonder if I have some unrealistic confidence. In order to achieve what I want, I’m going to have to get a full time job, but that is not necessarily guaranteed.