Had quite the nice evening: 

I got new art supplies last night and this is what resulted in that 

 Still working on it

I'm pretty unhappy at home. It depresses me and I get moody because of it. And I lash out and then my brother does. And that makes me even more unhappy. 

I know some of my friends know what it's like to grow up with financial problems. But they can never quite relate. 

I'm literally about to shell out $400 on top of the 2/3 hundred I've already given to my dad. 

I have school to save for. My own bills. I just bought a new phone. 

Ugh. 

Visited the old stomping ground today!!! Had a girls day with Melissa. We caught up, walked around. No time had passed. 

I don't miss Mac like I used to, it's a nicer feeling rather than bitter and I'm not heartbroken to leave. I have so many good memories here and im thankful for that, but I'm excited to move on. 

Also my friend just posted this throwback from first year on facebook so...

Hilarious. 

I'm at Richard's parents house right now. We've spent the day with them, and it's been lovely. Not as awkward as I thought it would be but I think it may take a little bit to adjust to still. We are not doing earth hour. But princess bride is worth it, no?

 I'm absolutely exhausted. Dad is going out tonight so it's good that I'm not going home tonight. I hope he's okay. 

The whole situation still worries me. It stresses me out. 

Got accepted to my college of choice!!!! 

Today was productive in a sort.

It was meant to be dedicated to touring a college campus, learning about my program and getting to know the school.

Instead, it was three and a half hours of bussing only to arrive and find out that no tours were happening and that I had misread an 'informational' e-mail. It's okay though, I declare a solid 'Carpe diem' attitude and made it a good day.

I hung out with Wynne and he drove me home. I got some Lush products which make me happy.

Also, Richard told his mom about us which is nice.
So ya.

I'm exhausted though.

Here are some photos I took on the way home:

I completely shattered my phone this morning. Luckily I was eligible for an upgrade and bought a new phone!!! I'm happy with it. It works well. 

I had a nice weekend. Friday, I stayed home and relaxed with my dad and brother and then worked Saturday. Saturday evening Richard and I saw Cinderella, which beautiful and I loved it. 

Sunday started off with a bump. Richard called his mom for her birthday and she asked him about his cover photo and he said he was with Grant and Mike. I got really mad and told him I was going to rabba. We sort of talked about it but not really. He asked me if I was mad about it and I said yes but I overreacted. 

The rest of the day was nice and he did make up for it. He drove me to Hamilton to get my stuff back from a friend who was storing it for me, and then he drove me to get my new phone. He's great. 

We went for coffee with his friend from school, who lives in the downtown area of my city. We had a good time!! 

I think Richard is telling his mom by Easter. Hopefully I can go. If anything, he said they'll know in time for his birthday. So. That's good. :) good weekend. 

I want a haircut, and to get my hair done. My hair has progressively gotten thinner since I was a teenager, which I know happens, but I wish it was a bit thicker. It's just so thin I find it hard to do anything with it. I'm also really hesitant to go to a hairdresser because I don't want them screwing up my hair. 

Did my makeup this morning despite the ridiculous time I had to be up, and despite the time I actually got up (slept twenty minutes past first alarm) 

I'm happy with it. I don't have any blush at the moment due to mine breaking, which is sad because I quite like blush. 

I'm getting my eyebrows done today which I'm excited about. I might browse for some cheap tops. 

Right now, American Eagle has maroon pants that I really like but I'm afraid to wear them because I have bigger thighs, and I don't think I can pull off coloured pants. 

I'm happy it's Friday. I have work tomorrow morning but I love working wih Olicia and I'm quite excited. 

I also did some doodles last night and practiced lips 

Pleased with my progress. 

Here are some photos that make me happy 

Last night when I got home, there was a huge family talk. I guess Richard. somehow saw that I was talking to my dad the moment I was in the house because he messaged me if I was okay, and even called me. 

After my family talk with Tim and dad, I called and updated him. I was okay. I mean, it sucks and I'm a bit brokenhearted of course. But mostly, I'm okay. 

But suddenly I was just sad. All I wanted was something nice to be said. I just wanted comfort and I didn't want to be alone. 

Right as I was thinking that, he sent this:

Going forward, I'm not going to be calling him J. 

All I want is to go home, do some laundry, cuddle with my animals and play the sims. 

Currently driving home from J's parents house. He's singing along very loudly to a flight of the concords song. It's a very nice ending to a very nice weekend. 

On Friday, we went to the pub and met up some of his new friends. I met another girlfriend, she's great! Has wonderful style and is very nice. Her mannerisms reminds me of my friend Tabetha. 

I didn't have a very good sleep Friday which threw me off for the rest of the weekend. And let me just say, people who have very loud sex at 3:30 in the morning without any consideration to their roommates is not okay with me. 

Most of Saturday was spent packing up and driving and getting settled into A-town  

I need to interrupt this train of thought to say J is still singing along to flight of the concords and it's hilarious. 

But anyway. We got to A-town and played mariokart until Wynne came over and we headed out to sushi with Hanna and Lauryn. 

Told Lauryn we were dating. It was chill. 

Today was lazy. Just played video games and watched a lot of friends. 

I'm happy. 

Even though we are completely fucked up, I always had a measurable amount of comfort in knowing we were all together. We were dysfunctional, but we were a family. 

But she left. She broke it. She broke me. 

I feel very young today. 

Bleh.

My dad kicked my mom out. I don't know how to describe it, because I'm obviously sad and distressed but truthfully.. I've been through worse. I've seen worse things. Things have happened and have made me stronger, I feel sort of prepared for this.

I don't know why he did it, if it was just one drunken fight gone too far. Sometimes, I think my mom is cheating on my dad. I wonder if she is, and he found out. It's all speculation.

I cried a lot of it out, which helped. And I went to my go-to's and they all made me feel better with their love and support.

***

On the plus side, I am super appreciative to have such wonderful aspects of my life. And I'm stepping forward with my own, and I'm working towards a better future.

Sometimes my paranoia about J gets to me. I worry that he is using me, or doesn't really have feelings for me. I hate when this happens because it literally consumes me. I know that he's happy with me and cares about me. 

But it's easy to worry. 

I wish he would say more nice things, like what actually is this to him? And am I not worth it?

This spring weather really has me happy. I'm so tired of winter, I am thankful for this little break. I'm not naive though, I know it's going to drop down again and snow a few more times in March and April. For now though, I'm going to enjoy this vacation from the cold weather. 

Secret Girlfriend

I really want J to tell his family about me. It actually makes me really sad that they don't, and that he doesn't seem to want to. Most of the time I can push it away, but I am getting tired of being this person... I mentioned to him a 'close call' about his brother finding out about us and he told me I should have said *blank* to avoid it.

A ton of emotions and ideas run through my head about this. Is he embarrassed? Ashamed? Is he using me? Does he not actually like me? Is he going to throw me away at the end of the summer?

Why am I a secret? Is it just too soon for him? It's only been two months.

I don't know.... I'm giving a cut off date of April. If they still don't know about me, I'm going to end it.

03/08/15 republish***

I am on my way home from visiting Sierra. I had a really great time, I appreciate that girl a lot. She is one of the treasures my life has brought me. 

Feels like I am experiencing what I imagine jet lag to be like. I'm just really tired which is probably from staying up really late both Friday and Saturday. 

Picture above is from Saturday night. Went to Monica's surprise party and had a really enjoyable time there. 

Overall, a really nice weekend. 

Awful feeling

I can't even begin to explain how awful I feel. I feel nauseas and I have a headache. Why am I always sick? It really scares me. I can't even right now. I want to go home but I don't want to do that to my coworkers. But I feel awful, I don't want them to think I'm another Erin who fakes sick. I'm going to try to eat something soon. 

PHad a very lovely belated birthday weekend with J. Went skating at the Harbourfront, went to the aquarium and then had a nice dinner at the Mill St Brewery. 

Also had a discussion about our relationship. It was good, he seems very sketchy still but we've at least acknowledged we're dating sort of?