Just want to showcase how beautiful one of my best friends is. 

Pms

I'm feeling everywhere with my emotions tonight. I kind of just want to cry. Just to get it all out, whatever all of  it is. Is that bad? Sometimes I think you just need to cry. 

Hey cashier, what's your number?

I’m happy.

I’ve had a good week. It was spent nicely. I’ve done something that feels like it should be rather unlike me, but truthfully I’m not sure if it is? Before I go into detail of the matter I am speaking of, I want some context behind who I am. I’m an incredibly stubborn person with a huge guilt complex. I think that is my biggest weakness, is my feeling of guilt. I am probably the easiest person to make feel bad about something, I can and often do feel guilty about something I may not have actually done – for example, in school when an authoritative figure would come in because someone had done something bad, I always felt guilty as if I had done it. Maybe I had done it and blocked it out of my memory – and I often can’t say no to things and when I finally do, I feel bad about it. Guilt complex. I have it. Throughout high school, I refused to give in to the underage drinking that occurred. Mostly because I was afraid I would become an alcoholic, but mostly because it just became so apart of me that I thought I would be betraying myself if I did. When I finally did drink, I got way too drunk at the age of 17 and I swear to this day I was a drink away from alcohol poisoning. But for so long afterwards, if I ever drink (which I didn’t again until university) I would feel like I was betraying myself in some way. Swearing too much – betraying myself in some way. Having sex – betraying myself in some way. When I became religious, my guilt often related back to my morality as a Christian. Let me tell you, that made my guilt so much worse than it initially had been. It got to a point where I was slowly transitioning into a more spiritual, liberal Christian than the kind I had been becoming due to ignorance and a need for acceptance among what feels like a very extreme Christian club.

Anyway, am I rambling yet? Is this tangent still going to connect smoothly to my point?

The point is, a part of me still feels like there is a certain type of person that I should be. That if I am not her, I am betraying myself and doing wrong in some sort. It makes it sometimes to grow and change without feeling bad about it.

So here I am, in some sort of friends-with-benefits/seeing-each-other-very-openly-not-even-boyfriendgirlfriend-but-acting-like-it-sort-of/it’s-only-been-a-week-of-this relationship. At first, I thought maybe it would be a bad idea. That I wouldn’t be able to handle it and it would be awful. However, it became really easy. I’m incredibly comfortable with the person and I’m really happy with the situation. I don’t think it is going to become more than what it is right now and I’m strangely okay with that. I went on a date on Friday, which was horrible by the way, and then the next day I spent the night with him and had a lovely time. We joked around, we kissed, and we made dinner and cuddled and watched Twister and fell asleep. It’s all so simple. That is to say, I’m not sure if it will get complicated. I’m hoping it doesn’t, but for now I’m going to go with the flow. He’s going through his own transition of moving out and starting a new program at a new school. Tonight he thanked me for being there and it’s made it easier for him. I’m happy that I can be that person for him. For anonymity purposes, I’m going to call the boy J.

Speaking of my date, it was Friday. With the 32 year old. My word. I don’t know where to begin… I just. Apparently, according to J, I went in with a bad attitude and expected it to fail because I knew going in I would not be going on a second date. The thing is, he is 32. I realized by Friday I couldn’t pursue a 32 year old because the eleven year age gap was too much. So we went to a Chapters/Starbucks combination type place and each got a drink and wandered around. To put it nicely, I did not find our conversations stimulating. We talked about a various amount of things, including me rambling on about feminism and him telling me “I don’t really know much about feminism.” Which is… sort of not fine. If I’m going to date you, I need you to have a general idea of feminism and why it’s important. I also need you to not say things like “What happens if the boy taking the super drunk girl home is also drunk? Doesn’t it make it okay then?” I replied with “Is hitting someone with your car and killing them okay so long as they are drunk?”

To sum it up, I ended up buying two books (“It” by Alexa Chung and “Poems from the Typewriter” by Tyler Knott Gregson) and had more of an emotional connection and stimulating conversation with the cashier.

Haven’t been sleeping well the past few days, and last night because I’m not familiar and I need time to adjust to new places I didn’t sleep well either. I’m tired and my body is sore from sleeping at an awkward angle. Took a nap earlier because of how tired I was. Should go to sleep now. Sleeping in a nest made out of laundry I was too lazy to fold and pillows. Not complaining… it’s so comfortable.

Been anxiously avoiding anything to do with college. I’m scared, especially because I need to make a portfolio of artwork and I think that will be the reason I don’t get in. I don’t have a backup plan yet. Don’t really want to think about it because then I won’t sleep. I don’t know what to do.

Also need to start organizing tours to check out the schools.

It’ll be fine though, I’ll figure it out. 

Started a new story: 

It was in those moments before bed when you start thinking about scary things. Zombies, the monsters hiding under your bed and in the closet. The possibility of there being a giant spider looming over your head in the dark. Suddenly, you're on edge. The hairs on your arms are standing still and your sense are on full alert. Every sound you hear becomes threatening. 

I was having one of those nights. My father was on a business trip and my mother was at a work gala. I had rejoiced when I first found out I would have the house to myself. It's so relaxing and calming, I'm able to move freely without question and I can pee with the door open. 

But my over active imagination had to ruin it once I realized my plans of having a wild night of judge free junk food and movie night was going to be over at 10pm. I was exhausted and the thought of staying up late was too much. I had done it. I had aged a hundred years in a single night. My life would turn into some kind of TLC movie. 

By 10:21 I had completely freaked myself out. What had got me was thinking about the movie 'World war z' which further transgressed into thinking about how successful hiding on my roof during a zombie attack would be. My conclusion had been that I would probably not be successful. 

So, here I was. Suddenly convinced that every creak my house was making was a zombie or monster of some sort. By 12, I had calmed down but still couldn't sleep. By 12:03, there was a significant noise coming from the downstairs. My body tensed up in a split second, but calmed down when I realized it was my mom. 

Until I realized it wasn't my mom. And that the reality was that my house was being broken in to. 

Disconnected thoughts

I haven’t really posted anything in a while, which hasn’t exactly been my intention. Especially considering what my last post was about. I have tried though, there’s a post that never quite uploaded properly and is still in my drafts but it seemed sort of awkward to just randomly post suddenly… so, I will get around to that eventually and just make note of it right at the start that it’s from a while ago.

Life has been getting kind of difficult. To say I’m completely happy would be a lie. It’s been getting harder to be happy, which truthfully is my own fault. I messed up my medication (both my birth control and my antidepressants) and I’m really attributing my drop in mood to that. If it continues after a steady intake of both, I am going to go see the doctor.

Speaking of doctor, I really need to make an appointment considering it’s been a while. I haven’t been in two months. I’m going to make an appointment for Wednesday or Friday most likely.

Speaking of Friday, I have a date? He’s 32… Today I realized he is more than half my age (By one year, BUT STILL!) So, I think it goes without saying that I will not be pursuing it past the coffee. And, I know. I shouldn’t even be going for the coffee but I am really bad at confrontation and I felt bad saying no. But I will stand my ground and say no… to a second date. If there is even an offer for one, to be honest I’m not sure there will be. Assuming is me being quite cocky.

I got a new camera!! I’m so pleased with it. I played around with it today outside and it has AMAZING manual focus options. I could cry.

I’m really lonely. Caroline went back to school today, and Leighanna and I have such opposite schedules/I’m pretty sure she’s mad at Caroline and I because we bailed on her on Friday. We were supposed to hang out but she didn’t get off work till 11 and we were both just so tired. Even though we didn’t hang out every day, we hung out a lot over the past two and a half weeks and Care literally lives a block and a half way from me. It was sort of comforting knowing she was right there. When we weren’t in university, we could literally just make a split second decision to see each other. It’s really hard not having that anymore. I’m so alone here. I don’t have any friends who live just in the other room, or just across the street or around the corner. Everything is so limiting.

I’m so tired. All the time.

Also I’ve been binge watching sex and the city… don’t feel bad about that.

some photos I've taken with my new camera!