I love
you, I love you, I love you. It's so surreal to me to believe that in the past
year my life has changed so drastically. I've gone through such an array of
different feelings, I feel like a flower breaking through the surface for the
first time in spring. I've dealt with extreme anxiety, believing I beat my
depression once in for all only to have it return with a vengeance. I've been
happy, furious, sad and excessively emotional. Yet, these are all things I've
felt before. Some may not be as familiar as others but I've still met them once
or twice in my past. But you came along and seemed to open this huge jar of
things I've never truly felt. At sixteen, I claimed to be in love. But now, I
barely remember what sixteen year old me felt. I don't think love is really
like that, I think it leaves a permanent mark on your soul and never really
leaves you. Maybe I was in love, but it was much younger and less mature.
I'm not claiming to know more or be better than I was then, and even though I feel
incredibly pressured by the presence of my youth every day, I can see myself
changing and growing and turning into who I'm becoming. That's why I feel so
confident in the love I feel for you. I can't explain everything I feel and yet
speaking a million words a minute about you when friends ask me how we are
doesn't seem to be enough.
There's a vibe around us that feels strong to me, and even though they think it's an
annoying vibe I'm positive our friends feel it. I was petrified when I first
said I love you, the way it just slipped out so accidentally and how I wished
in that moment so badly that you hadn't heard me say it. Afterwards, I remember
worrying we may have said it too early. But I have no regrets, I'm a firm
believer in when you know, you know.
Spending time with you, whether it's doing nothing, watching you play video games or at
a party. Whatever it is, it's always just so easy. We could be across the room
from you and just seeing once look from you makes me feel so at ease.
I'm sorry that this is so cheesy and so much but I just needed to get it out. And
this is just why I do, I write you things filled with all types of cheese and
you date me because obviously a small part of you enjoys it. And if you just
deal with it, well that's cute and you are good to me.
P.S here is a poem I wrote when I was seventeen. An example of my personal growth:
Commitment is not a good idea.
There is no point,
You trust your feelings to an undefended organ that flutters every time you see him.
You giggle and your body wants to wiggle a dance,
Wants to run to him like at the end of a romantic comedy.
I say to hell with it.
I can grow old with a rock.
It will never mould feelings around a younger, prettier version of me.
It will age with wisdom, but never lose its looks.
It will never die, or leave, or break my heart in half.
Commitment is not a good idea.
I will laugh at the people calling me bitter.
I am as smooth as a river rock,
Washed over by rapids of love.
My hardened heart will not succumb to a tidal wave of pain.
I am not a bitter biased fool.
I know from experience.
Commitment is not a good idea
