Lots of change.

Oh goodness, it’s almost one in the morning but I feel such a need to write.  The past few days have been amazing and hectic and a bit overwhelming in the most positive and negative way. I’m going to backtrack all the way to Wednesday night though.

Wednesday has been a particular night that I had been looking forward to because of an Ugly Christmas Sweater party being thrown. I usually dislike parties because of my social anxiety, I just find them overwhelming and loud and just not a good time. However, I had an absolute blast at this one. Although it did get overwhelming at certain points, it’s always nice to be with the people who were there. I particularly miss Michael, I wish we still lived together. He’s a really good friend and incredibly easy to talk to and we both relate in a lot of ways to each other. He has always been really supportive and there for me, and I miss being able to walk up the stairs to see him. I didn’t leave too late, I think it was around 12-12:30 but I was exhausted. I was looking forward to a nice morning dedicated solely to sleeping in until I remembered I had an early appointment with the disability services.

Thursday morning brought a lot of unexpected change into my life. I didn’t exactly know what to expect walking into that office and the plan I’d created in my head shifted drastically. Essentially, I’ve dropped out of school. After a long session and a lot of discussion, the conclusion was reached that due to my health and the previous months, it would be best for me to just apply for a withdrawal from my classes this term and then take time off until September. I’m mostly okay with this decision, it is a bit upsetting just considering that I was getting really good grades so far on the assignments I had managed to do. In particular, I found out I got an 87 on a geography project and I did not expect to do that well on it at all. It’s disappointing knowing that I got those marks and now they’re gone. I’m extremely sad that I couldn’t manage it, but I know getting better is more of a priority. At least now I have proved to myself that I can do that. I felt very grownup Thursday morning, shifting from the disability office to the academic office to figure out my situation and then taking it upon myself to sort out what will happen with my financial loans and whatnot. I just need to find a job now that’s more full-time and I’ll be set. I’ve yet to tell the parentals about it, but I’m going home tomorrow and will tell them about it on Sunday when I see them.

Tonight was really nice though, I ran some necessary errands and then came home and watched Gossip Girl for a little while. We took Alex to get her ears pierced and then we all had a girl’s night with Lauryn and Danielle. The night consisted of a lot of junk food, nail painting, cosmo reading, gossiping and movie watching. I’m in a great mood and a really good place.

I’m very thankful to be where I am right now. I have no regrets about my current situation. I know that everything is going to work out as long as I work for it.

I love my friends very much and I’m happy that tonight was able to happen, I’m so appreciative to be surrounded by laughter and love. As cheesy as that is. Yolo.

I’ve told Richard that I don’t want to text as much and just have more phone calls throughout the week. I hate texting, it’s such an awful form of communication. I hope it works out, I don’t want it to be an excuse to lose contact but I think that shows just how dependent I’ve become on texting. It’s not the sole form of communication, nor is it the only way a relationship can last. It’s stupid and I just don’t like it very much.

Tomorrow I’m going home to be with Caroline and Leighanna to celebrate Leigh’s birthday. I’m really excited because I’ve missed them both very much. It’ll be nice to just be together again.. I feel like it’s been ages. I don’t remember the last time we were together! 

Anyway, super tired. Time to get some sleep finally.

Gerrlsz Nite

I just had a really wonderful night. The original plan was to have a Christmas themed movie night. Lauryn was going to come over and we (Myself, Melissa, Alex and potentially Alyssa) were going to snuggled up and pig out on an assortment of junk food. Shortly before Lauryn arrived, Melissa had decided to just spontaneously start playing around with makeup. I joined her instantly and Lauryn couldn’t deny the fun we were having with it when she got here. When Alex showed up, we forced her to join in on the makeover shenanigans.

The thing is, even though we live a ten minute walk from Lauryn, she’s still considered really far because she lives outside our neighbourhood bubble and is completely out of the way of everything so we honestly rarely ever see her anymore, plus we’re all so busy. We quickly opted out of watching a movie and just decided to make this a classic girl’s night and painted our nails and caught up on all the latest juicy gossip. The juicy gossip being how school was going because even though we’re all twenty (Minus Melissa… one more month though!) we all feel like the elderly because we never do anything anymore.

I think it was such a good night because typically it’s what Caroline, Leighanna and I do a lot of the time so it just feels natural to me. We don’t often have girl’s nights here because everyone has such different schedules and workloads, so I really appreciated tonight and decided I should write about it. However, Corbin came over to talk to Melissa so after she left Lauryn, Alex and I just watched bloopers from The Office and my cheeks are still hurting from laughing so hard. I’m really happy right now, I just want to smile but like I said – cheeks are hurting.

Tonight was just really special to me and I think I just really needed it. There’s just a certain level of normalcy to a night like this, as I mentioned previously. I’m really, really excited for winter break to come. As much as I love being away from home, I miss my best friends terribly.

This post seems everywhere but I’m actually just so exhausted I can barely think straight. I just wanted to record it before I forgot everything and got too lazy to write about it.

It’s weird but the past few hours already feel like a blur, but I still feel warm from it if that makes sense. I just have comfort knowing that tonight was filled with happiness and laughter and I genuinely had a good time. As much pain and unhappiness university has caused me, I know that I have no regrets and that I was supposed to be here at least to meet the people that are now in my life. 

Sometimes words are hard.

To be honest, I don’t know what to say right now. All I know is that I have to try and say something because these past few hours have completely escaped me and I have a feeling that despite being incredibly tired it is going to be a sleepless night. I’m feeling nauseous and because I feel so low I almost believe I can understand the logic behind bulimia – I wonder if it feels like your problems rise up with your vomit and for a temporary second, you can just flush them down the toilet. That’s how I feel right now. I believe that is why I’m nauseous, because I have hopes that my problems and concerns will be able to just get flushed.

I’m not bulimic though, I don’t think I have the confidence or the conscience to do it ever. Or the mindset. I’m pretty sure it’s a thinking disorder, if I remember correctly. I feel awkward even bringing up the topic of bulimia and using it to reference how I’m feeling right now. It’s a serious subject and I sincerely wish people didn’t suffer from it.

I’m not sure why I am feeling so low right now. I have felt great the past week. My head felt clear again and I was starting to think positively again. It’s funny how the spirit queen suffers from severe depression. The medication I’m on won’t kick in for a few weeks though, so I think my highs and lows in mood will be consistent for a little while longer and I don’t have to worry too much about it. However, I’m starting to develop methods of getting out of the mood shifts. For a really long time now I have described my mind during my low periods as being incredibly foggy, like when I’m trying to find the thing I want to say it’s as if I’m just reaching blindly into some thick haze and just pulling nothing out from it. I’ve been trying to shit that fog into just being an obstacle on a path and trying to figure out how to manoeuvre away from the obstacle. I’m not sure if that makes sense but it is how I’m trying to deal with it. If depression is just a thinking disorder, maybe I can counter-act it with more thinking.

This wasn't a very good post and I'm just there's a lot wrong with it but I just needed to write to keep track of how I'm feeling and to try and get out of the mindset I've been in.

Here's to a better tomorrow.