The worst part about youtube is no secret: it's the glamourization of it. I myself am victim of watching these vlogs people put up and wishing that I had as great a life as them. But you only see what is displayed for you, I do the same thing with my social media. I filter out the bad.

Oddly enough though, my favourite couple who vlog on youtube broke up. I don't know the details. But it hit me hard and I find myself surprised by that. It really got me in the feels and I don't know why. Maybe I was too emotionally invested with their lives because of how much they broadcast. I don't know, I am sad for them though. There are no details yet, and I'm not sure if there ever will be for the obvious privacy issues, but I hope they're both okay.

I feel overwhelmed with everything right now.
I hate myself a lot and find it hard to love myself.
I hate my body and only see fat when I look at myself, I'm constantly comparing myself to everyone. I just want to be happy.

Having really bad mental health right now. Feels like I'm spiralling a bit. Anxious and super unhappy and thinking about every little mistake and thing and gah. 

My Friend Did a Photoshoot of ME

Wednesday

It doesn't appear to be the nicest kind of day outside. I will admit to being the type of person who prefers gloomy, rainy days to sunny ones but I don't particularly like the snow. It looks all slushy and wet outside, and judging by the sounds coming from outside it might be ice rain. I have a midterm today that I didn't study for and I'm sad about that but my focus just wasn't present. I've been going to all the classes and doing the readings as well as paying attention, so hopefully I do okay at best. 

I had a weird dream last night that Richard and I were getting married. Judging by it, the wedding was really rushed and I didn't really have anything prepared. In my dream I had second thoughts continuously and wasn't sure if I should actually go through with it or not. I'm not sure what that symbolizes really, I think it means that I don't want a big wedding or one any time soon. The wedding date was June 10th, which is the date of a friend of mine who is getting married. She just got engaged two weeks ago, maybe I can't believe how quickly it is happening.